HBS to Replace PE Bro Intake with AI, Starting with Class of 2022

Harby, Satirical Advice Columnist

The shocking announcement simultaneously impacts PE and tech bros globally.

In a shock announcement that has left associates worldwide concerned, the HBS Admissions Office announced that starting with the upcoming admissions rounds, they will no longer be admitting students from the investment banking and private equity industries. Instead, classes will introduce the software “BuysideBot,” which uses machine learning and big-data analytics of over 30 years of fin-bro comments in class to generate the appropriate comments in every class.

“At Harvard Business School, we look to create business leaders in step with the future, and everyone knows the future is all the tech buzzwords that none of us actually understands,” said Chuck Norris in a press release. “We realized that we have a rich trove of fin-bro comments from over three decades of class participation, which have essentially remained the same. This move allows us to free up seats in our incoming class for new categories of students such as “Blockchain Babes” and “Renewable Robs.”

Said Rob Howe, Faculty Co-Chair of the new MS/MBA program, “The move also showcases an effort by SEAS to make the first-ever cohort of the MS/MBA program actually do something technical, besides taking pictures on drones and crafting Skydeck videos. SEAS led a confidential year-long entrepreneurial project that allowed students to identify where AI can really make a difference in the class experience.”

For now, professors are confident that the software will enable the value of class participation to remain the same. “PE bro comments have remained unchanged in all my time at HBS,” said Finance professor and former fin bro W. Carl Kester (MBA 1977). “I’m fully confident in the ability of the program to talk about back-of-the-envelope calculations and skepticism about whether the discount rate actually matters.”

Harby is a Pulitzer Prize-nominated MBA advice columnist and the author of such bestsellers as Teaching Your Dog How to DCF and The Seven People You Meet at the Boston Doubletree. She is on Instagram @dearharby. Want some advice from Harby? Email your question to harby@harbus.org.