Card Wars
Humor

Card Wars

When Chase introduced a metal version of its credit card in 2016, the Chase Sapphire Reserve, the card was a ground-breaking innovation in consumer credit payments.

“It does exactly the same thing as my old card—just heavier,” said Marcus Peabody, RC. “Whenever I’m out to dinner with friends and I drop my card on the table, they hear the thunderous bass vibrations my card makes. I live for that moment.”

Not to be outdone, American Express responded with a metal edition of its aptly-named Platinum Card. This card is, in fact, not platinum. Based on extensive interviews with customers, the Harbus can exclusively reveal the purpose of this deft competitive maneuver: “It’s even heavier!” explained an ecstatic Peabody. “I switched immediately.”

Most recently, Apple has released its own metal credit card that users can sign up for online, or receive “free with in-store purchases of $7,500 or more.” With this, Apple one-ups the metal game by making its whole iPhone a credit card. How will the incumbents deal with this escalation?

Chase is ready. On October 16, Chase will be unveiling a new card, according to Monica Willis, VP of Gravitational Marketing. “The new Blue Whale card from Chase allows users to enjoy all the rewards they’ve come to expect from our cards, plus so much more.”

The Blue Whale Card will weigh between 12 and 16 kilograms, and it fits snugly into the laptop sleeve of most backpacks.

Said Peabody, who was asked to pilot the new card, “I have to use two hands to stick it in the chip reader at Trader Joe’s, but I know people are checkin’ me out. I’m never going back.”


October 9, 2019
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