April 1st, The Harbush

Record number of HBS EC flock to Public Service, Seeking Lucrative Careers in the Trump White House

Ophelia Payne, Contributor

At a time when many White House positions remain unfilled, a record number of students in the HBS MBA Class of 2017 have descended on Washington to seek their fortune by serving our patriotic, fairly-elected, and proportionally-handed President, Donald Jennifer Trump. Below is a profile of just a few stand-out students and the position they will occupy in the administration.

State – Willie B. Hardigan, Russia Co-Ordinator, Operations Center. Thinks strategically. Shines the Secretary’s Russian Order of Friendship medal and sends secure emails under the alias of ‘Wayne Tracker’. Follows the oil markets closely and requests, politely, that the Russian Federation collaborates with OPEC.

Treasury – Robin Banks, Director, The Financial Crimes Enforcement Network. Ensures that all financial crimes are investigated thoroughly, wearing his favorite Goldman Sachs-branded fleece. Teaches people how to pronounce Steve Mnuchin’s name.

Justice – Laura Norder, Manager, Antitrust Division. Builds trust through learning the inner workings of anti-trust, before leaving the administration for a cushy job in PE. Keeps Jeff Sessions away from the Wu-Tang.

Interior – Pierce Deere, Designer, Office of Valuation Services. Facilitates the department’s M&A team in valuing and disposing of assets at market prices, helping Native Americans sell their land. Chillax at the Mar-a-Lago, President Trump’s National Historic Landmark estate.

Agriculture – Trina Forest, Presidential Management Fellow, Farm Service Agency.  Distributes subsidies to corn farmers, which encourages obesity and prevents the world’s poorest farmers from competing.

Commerce – Tamara Knight, Personal Assistant to Wilbur Ross, Secretary of Commerce. Ross, her boss, is a Harvard MBA and all-round chill guy. Assists this ‘King of Bankruptcy’ in restructuring America. #maga

Labor – Estelle Hertz Head of Digital Strategy, International Labor Affairs. Delivers the long-term goals of the administration, providing opportunities for American algorithms to replace both domestic and international jobs. Shares in the benefits of the global economy and helps ensure a fair playing field.

Defense – Warren Peace. Classified.

Health and Human Services – Sharon Needles, Regulator, Food and Drug Administration. Studies the intricate processes of orphan drug designation, and then leave for PE. Clarifies the ambiguous status of pizza as a vegetable. Maintains superlative oversight of financial conflicts of interests that may, from time to time, grace physicians who oversee clinical trials.

Housing and Urban Development – Sawyer B. Hind, Vice-President of Financial Innovation, Fannie Mae. Leverages his background in Investment Banking to diversify risk. Promotes extensive use of collateralized debt obligations for assets associated with systemic failure, such as mortgages. Joins a San Fran start-up when it all goes wrong.

Transportation – Iona Corolla, Diary Co-Ordinator, Office of the Secretary of Transportation. Enables Harvard MBA and all-round superstar Elaine Chao to catch a Lyft home from work.

Energy – Molly Kuehl, Shale gas policy officer, Office of the Under Secretary for Science & Energy. Drill baby drill in the Alaskan land seized by President Carter. Channel J. Paul Getty and say: the meek shall inherit the Earth, but not its mineral rights.

Education – Sarah Bellum, Translator, White House Initiative on Educational Excellence for Hispanics. Fingir que puedes hablar español usando el traductor de Google. Beba tequila en su escritorio como solía hacer en Harvard.

Veterans Affairs – Rick O’Shea, Consultant, Veterans Benefits Administration. Focuses efforts on Vocational Rehabilitation to help Steve Bannon, former Naval Lieutenant, and Harvard MBA, in his search for his next job.

Homeland Security – Barb Dwyer, Principal, Disaster Preparedness & Response. Collaborates with the Advertising Council to launch a national campaign, educating and empowering Americans to prepare for and respond to the man-made disaster which is this government.


 

April 4, 2017
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