In honor of figuring out our life purpose … escaping the herd … I mean, recruiting season, we present to you a customer segmentation for our dedicated friends at the Careers and Professional Development (CPD) office.
Venture Capitalist Vikram
… You see, I just love technology: virtual reality, augmented reality, mixed reality … Anything but real reality. It also just so happens I have the attention span of a small mammal so venture capital is a perfect match. I like to think networking is a special talent of mine. I just have a way of scanning the room while making it seem like my pupils are fully focused on the person in front of me. I’m 99% positive they can’t tell the difference.
Private Equity Patricia
I’m all about that cost cutting. They tell me their G&A is at 20%, and I’m like– “No, you didn’t!” Our benchmarks are at 10%. And then we go in and we slash. We slash, and we slash, and we slash some more. My mom tells me I loved playing with scissors and cutting people’s hair when I was little, so this all comes naturally to me.
$$$ $$$ Money $$$$ money $$$ moneyyy. And then we got bottle service in Vegas. $$$$$ money $$ money money $$$$. And that’s when I did three all-nighters in the office. I worked hard to keep my eyelids open 36 hours straight even if most of it was spent waiting for the MD to tell me I could go home. So that’s what I think of when I hear the words ‘life calling.’
Oh, I went to [Insert exotic and/or middle of nowhere location here] one weekend for work. I used miles for my flight. And I got upgraded to first class. And I used points for my hotel. Where I also got upgraded. Did I mention I got upgraded? And did you know on Emirates they give you the option of having your ice cream sundae before your main course to complement your warmed nuts?
Why did I decide to go to business school? In a way, I think being the only non-profit voice in a profit-centric section environment of ninety-five other capitalists is a healthy thing for everyone. Let’s embrace diversity, shall we? Plus, I think my face was meant to be spotlighted in those recruiting brochures. … Although I still question why they made me shave my beard. It took me months to grow that thing while I was volunteering abroad in [insert random country here] to have it all wiped away here in Boston for one “we want you to look polished” photo.
*None of the professors know how to pronounce this one.
One of the things I love about consumer packaged goods is creating a brand that speaks to the wants and needs of my consumers. I sit like a fly on the wall and watch them see, smell, touch, use, hear, consume, experience, soak in my product. When I was trying to figure out how to sell the underdog dog food brand of America, I went to the homes of the most average suburban dog owners I know and observed them and their silky Corgies and Cocker Spaniels. My consumer insights led to a 500%+ sales boost– the dog food team didn’t know what hit them. So that’s when I knew I was made to market.
Why are you asking me about my day? Didn’t you see My Story on Snapchat? If you’d looked at My Story, you’d know I’ve been in the i-Lab all day coding. And market sizing. And printing out flyers to pass out in Harvard Square to those pesky undergrads. Don’t they know the next Uber when they see one? We are a unicorn in the making. A rocketship about to grow its wings. We’re a fucking rocketship that unicorns ride to the full moon, we’re that good. I don’t even know why I’m at the Doubletree. What does CPD stand for again? Where are the free protein bars? Where’s my kombucha on tap? Oh wait, is that a Pikachu in the corner?
Kit Robbins is part of Section Z, the best-looking, most politically correct and inclusive section at HBS. Aside from sitting in Spangler drinking coffee and pretending to read cases, Kit does pretty much nothing at HBS. When it’s cold out, you can find Kit wearing flip-flops in the tunnels and stealing/enjoying Chex mix and M&M’s from the i-Lab.