Harvard Business School recently announced its new Director of Admissions, but little attention has been given to the school’s newly appointed Director of Strategy, Eric Drumpf. Drumpf’s radical plan to improve school admissions and programming has drawn criticism from some quarters. Despite the backlash, Drumpf vows to “make HBS great again”.
At the top of Drumpf’s list of initiatives is his intention to change the mix of students and majors currently accepted into HBS. Sources close to Drumpf confirm that Yale in particular has come under fire. “When Yale sends its people, they’re not sending the best…they’re sending people that have lots of problems. They’re sending us their English and Political Science majors,” Drumpf claims. Drumpf plans to limit arrivals from Yale by building a wall on the southern border of the business school. “I will build a great, great wall, and I will make Yale pay for that wall. Mark my words.” When reached for comment the director of Yale’s Treasury responded, “I say it emphatically and categorically: Yale, under no circumstance, is going to pay for the wall that Mr. Drumpf is proposing.”
To address his concerns with Muslim applicants – and the overall “Muslim problem” – Drumpf has proposed the construction of yet another wall, a firewall. One capable of blocking applications submitted from IP addresses in the Middle East and North Africa. This firewall, Drumpf asserts, will even screen for applicants with Islamic sounding names.
Drumpf is also petitioning for new gender-specific admissions requirements that will impact both male and female applicants. Women will be required to submit a “selfie” with their application to ensure they are “beautiful inside and out.” Men, on the other hand, will be required to submit proof of their hand dimensions in order to, as he put it, “guarantee there is no problem”. According to Drumpf, these characteristics have recently been emphasized as important leadership traits by a businessman he deeply respects.
Drumpf also announced his plan to publicly Trump Stanford’s recent sex scandal with a much more provocative scandal, which he believes will help solidify HBS’ #1 ranking once and for all. When asked what he would do to top a scandal of such magnitude, Drumpf unapologetically responded, “I would date my own daughter”.
To the dismay of Faculty, Drumpf has also begun proposing new curriculum and student services policies. He has suggested that HBS’ popular Negotiations course be renamed The Art of the Deal, in honor of his favorite book. While current HBS policies mandate that the course be open to all genders, Drumpf cautions women from participating, as he firmly believes that women will get “schlonged” by their male counterparts. (Note: The Harbus is still investigating an exact translation.)
The effect of Drumpf’s proposals is already being felt on campus, with HBS’ student clubs seeing their membership numbers dwindle to record lows. One such policy is the ban on all members of the LatAm, India, and Greater China clubs from using any CPD (Career & Professional Development) services in order to prevent them from “stealing our jobs”. Fortunately, the Africa Business Club members are still allowed access to CPD services, but have officially been placed on a watchlist on account of rumors that “Africa is rising”. When asked why the African American Student Union has remained unaffected, Drumpf explained, “I have a great relationship with the Blacks. I’ve always had a great relationship with the Blacks.”
Finally, in an effort to further promote HBS’ credibility and brand, Drumpf has stated that the school will no longer accept contributions from alumni and, instead, will raise the value of its endowment – currently valued at $3 billion – to $10 billion by artificially raising the value of its brand to $7 billion. Numerous alternative valuations have since been derived by the broader business community, but none have been able to support Drumpf’s claims.
Despite the pushback, Drumpf feels confident in his new role and even had the audacity to rename the Baker Library after himself. “Frankly, I don’t know anything about Baker, but I do know that buildings with my name are well respected,” argued Drumpf, with a smug look on his peculiarly orange face.
When asked if he thought apologizing for the impact of his recent actions would assuage his opposition, Drumpf replied, “I think apologizing is a great thing, but you have to be wrong. I will absolutely apologize, sometime in the hopefully distant future, if I’m ever wrong.” A notable interest group, the Graduate Operations Practitioners (GOP) has since denounced all of Drumpf’s actions, statements, and thoughts.
Stay tuned as the Harbus follows up on any developments or apologies that may surface.
LIVE UPDATE: Drumpf places all female and MD-MBA students on NEW Health Insurance Plan, containing unique “Abortion Punishment Clause”. According to sources, Drumpf is still going back and forth on the “punishment” details.
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