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Don’t Date

My valentines day was spent alone with a bottle of wine, a tub of two-bite brownies, and Kevin Spacey. And you know what? I bet it was better than yours.

It’s time we got serious: dating is the worst. It’s like a sales funnel that rewards all of your hard work with the loss of being able to starfish in your bed each night.

Are you really that eager to share your twix? To fill out a second March Madness bracket because your partner “doesn’t watch the games but still wants to win”? When asked why you didn’t build the model for finance, do you want to answer that you were up late with the love of your life or that you were up late giggling at reruns of Archer and eating gummy bears? These are the crucibles that define us.

Don’t date. Sweatpants are more comfortable than jeans. All this curling isn’t going to watch
itself. Tara Hagan (OI) is already taken, so what’s the point?

Did you know Eric Ries’ book was originally called “The Lean Relationship” and gave dating
tips to optimize your search for love? Chapter 1: How to A/B test your Tinder game to perfection. Chapter 2: Minimum Viable Dating. He says, “fail fast, fail cheap; why go to the Capital Grille when Wendy’s is closer and fulfills the same Job to Be Done?” None of that is true, but shut up it might as well be. My articles have never been accurate before, so why start now.

I’m not saying be alone. If you really want to find someone, just mass snap romantic winterscapes with the caption “Reminds me of you” to every girl you know. Super easy way to level up. Or go to Park and look a girl deep in the eyes, say “YOLO” and make a move. That’s got a 5% hit rate and there are typically more than 20 girls at Park, even on weeknights.

Dating ruins relationships, and though their are two thousand of us on campus burning bridges just isn’t worth it. Section norms apply whether you are vertical or horizontal. And don’t fool yourself into thinking that other people want you to date either. The reason the cute girl in your LDG is opening up to you has nothing to do with your big heart or the fact that she likes her men like her coffee: black and scaldingly hot. You are distorting reality. It’s best to just avoid merging worlds.Travel with a loved one and you will be forced into sunrise hikes and cultural shows under the false pretense of your partner’s happiness.

You know where I was during winter break? New Zealand. You know where I actually was during winter break? My mother’s basement googling pictures of New Zealand and posting them to Facebook like they were my own. Saves a ton of money and you don’t have to learn a foreign language.

We all know Netflix was thinking of you when they launched House of Cards on Valentine’s Day. Dominos wasn’t giving out free toppings that weekend because they were excited for you to find love. Or because they wanted your body not to look like a gelatinous sack of cheese, sauce, and “meat.” And be honest with yourself: you are only lifting at Shad so that you look good for potential mates. Just buy tighter shirts and stop pretending to enjoy spinning.

But I digress.

I know most of you will read this and dismiss it as “populist satire,” but I hope many of you will consider what I have said and make moves towards the single life. And when you do, I hope you’ll give me a call, because it’s not fun being single alone.

March 3, 2014
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