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The End of the Bad

Breaking Bad is ending, which means Sunday nights will free up again and everyone’s blood pressure is finally going to come down. But in the meantime, this week is full of swirling questions for aficionados: What’s Mr. Lambert going to do with that machine gun? God, can Uncle Jack be even more of a jerk? Will the Beatles actually break up?

Naturally, during the wind-down of a show, there are a lot of opinions swirling around about its eventual end. If you’re not sure how to feel, take heart. I’ve rounded up the five most popular opinions about the finale of Breaking Bad. Choose your favorite!

 
It’s amazing. Best! Show! Ever! It’s like The Wire and Mad Men had sex during an episode of Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad is its dragon baby. I love Breaking Bad and want to make sure everyone knows I do. The actual episode isn’t half as exciting as being part of the non-exclusive club of aficionados who plot the show’s every twist, obsessively read re-caps, and create fake tournaments to determine, once and for all, the best character. Like parenthood, if you haven’t experienced it, you just don’t understand. Stop judging me for disappearing on Sunday nights.

 
How could it possibly get more epic? This season has been epic. Too epic. Everyone has hyped this up so much that it’s bound to disappoint. It’s exactly what happened with Lost. Next thing you know, it’ll be next Sunday, and we’ll all baffled that we sprouted so many gray hairs for such a letdown. Like a good relationship, I’m nervous to enjoy this. Besides, Vince Gilligan probably peaked with The X-Files.

 
I haven’t seen it, and I can’t wait until all the fans shut up. It’s a TV show that isn’t The Wire, so, automatically, I’m not that interested. Man, The Wire was such a great show. Omar Little is the best character in the history of television. Walter White just doesn’t have the same ring. The alliteration doesn’t fool me. Who’s Bryan Cranston anyway? Wasn’t he the guy who played LBJ in that play?

 
I haven’t seen it…and I’m ashamed. I haven’t seen Breaking Bad, and it kills me. I’m not proud. I have to read the Wikipedia page each week so I’m not a total social pariah. I laugh a bit too loudly anytime I hear a joke about Walter White and e-mail all my friends anytime BuzzFeed publishes a funny Breaking Bad article trying to convince everyone that I’m a superfan. Every time I go over to someone’s house I say, “I am the one who knocks!” It really freaks people out. Am I saying it wrong? Maybe next time, I should just knock.

 
I don’t have cable/TV/electricity. The short answer: I’m better than you. The slightly longer answer: I can subsist on organic hemp pillows, free range chicken and apple sausage, and Instagram. I don’t require mindless pursuits because I’m busy saving the word/starting a band/both. Also, I actually do meth. ■

September 30, 2013
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