Raamin Noodles: The Nine Commandments for RC Happiness, as Practiced by the Class of 2014

Howdy, RCs!

By now you’re more than a month into classes, and I bet you’re feeling like you’re just getting into the swing of things. You’re beginning to understand which cases you need to read closely (TOM) and which cases you can generally get away with skimming (literally anything else). You’re starting to figure out which discussion groups send out Excel sheets the night before FIN and which discussion groups are basically just walking advertisements for VitaCoco. And, perhaps most importantly, you’re finally getting the hang of distinguishing between surprise and primal fear in your sectionmates’ eyes after they get cold-called, and passing life-saving notes accordingly.

Despite these newfound abilities, there’s still something missing, isn’t there? You’re feeling more successful but less fulfilled, more accomplished but less comfortable, more hungover but less able to push through that hangover. Don’t worry, we’ve got your back. Without further ado, I present to you:

The Nine Commandments for RC Happiness, as Practiced by the Class of 2014

1. Thou shalt not hook up with thy sectionmates.
Seriously, people. Come up with a better reason than “this is a person whose name I know”. At least until after midterms second semester – judging from the knowing looks traded across the classroom at that point last year it was basically open season.

2. Thou shalt attend every party that has ever been or will ever be thrown in the history of HBS.
One would imagine that this would be limited to parties thrown by the Euro Club, SABA, AASU, AABA, and other HBS clubs that resemble nothing so much as alphabet soup –but then one would be wrong. Beach Party, White Party, Pink Party, Black and Yellow Party, The Party, Nirvana, Carnival, Latin Night, Stoplight Party, Moustaches and Berets Party, Sankofa, Birthday Party, Harbus Party – these are only the beginning of your post-10pm commitments RC year. Remember: if you’re not out, you’re missing out.

3. If, due to extenuating circumstances, thou did not attend the sweet party the previous night, thou shalt purchase a VitaCoco with the rest of thy sectionmates and feign the same level of misery for thy 9am class (even if it’s TOM, which is totally awesome).
Acceptable excuses for missing a party include (and are limited to): getting caught up instagramming #tbt pics from the party last week, making >3x returns reselling your ticket on the secondary market, attending a separate, way more exclusive party, and having a Tinder and/or Grouper date. Note that “it’s a three case day tomorrow” appears nowhere on this list. This is intentional.

4. Thou shalt feign disinterest in cases and classes thou dost not understand.
“I can always hire an accountant” should be your watchword. Remember – if you’re not already good at it, then it’s almost certainly not worth doing.

5. Thou shalt take ridiculous instagram photos with thy sectionmates and caption them effusively.
If you are a female taking a picture with similarly-dressed female sectionmates, then either the word “sisters” or the word “twins” must be used, followed by no fewer than three but no more than seven exclamation points. Males taking pictures with other males may substitute “bros” at their discretion. A minimum of two hashtags must be applied to each picture, with #businesscollege appearing in at least two of every five posted photos.

6. Thou shalt never pass on a cold call, even if thou hast nothing of value to say
Remember – you’re here at HBS because someone decided you sound intelligent when speaking on topics about which you know nothing at all. Use this ability wisely (read: liberally). Also acceptable: making a quick, obviously board-worthy statement, then speed-reading the remainder of the case for key phrases while the professor is busy writing.

7. Thou shalt always pick the middle option in polls sent out by your professors.
This is not the professional world. Mediocrity is your friend, and following the pack doesn’t get you cold called. Take solace in that.

8. Thou shalt call every vacation a “trek”, and be accompanied by no fewer than 25 of thy closest friends.
“Trek” is a word that can be applied liberally. For example: Austin Trek, Chicago Trek, Tommy Doyle’s Trek, and 10:20am Aldrich Bathroom Trek. To ensure that trek status is maintained, no fewer than 15 drinks must be consumed per person. This makes Aldrich Bathroom Trek difficult, but not impossible.

9. Thou shalt never, never, NEVER reveal thy unhappiness to thy sectionmates, professors, friends, or family.
Until you take ALD EC year. Then whoooo boy, all bets are off.