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Diary of a Popcorn Connoisseur: Fall Movie Preview

It would be pretty easy for me to give you a nice little present of a fall movie list.

I could drone on about the expected awesomeness of Spielberg’s LINCOLN or the simultaneous nausea and bliss that will accompany Tarantino’s DJANGO UNCHAINED.

I could babble about how PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4 will probably give you indigestion and gossip about the beautiful catastrophe that KStew’s made TS: BD Part II (oh, c’mon, look it up).

But am I going to simply provide you with a bulletin of movies you must see over the next few months (TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE. LOOPER.  ARGO. CLOUD ATLAS. FLIGHT. SKYFALL. LIFE OF PI.)? No. Because that’s not what Harvard Business School is about. Instead, let’s discuss some marginally relevant movies that’ll make you sound like a popcorn connoisseur without really knowing the first thing about Hollywood.

BACHELORETTE

BRIDESMAIDS but 10x darker. The three main characters, played by the totes underappreciated Kirsten Dunst, Lizzy Caplan and Isla Fisher, are the kind of female characters every self-respecting single city-gal has been awaiting since the worst of us identified with Regina George, Gretchen Weiners and Karen Smith.

BUTTER

If you liked that YouTube video of the kids crying over THE ODD LIFE OF TIMOTHY GREEN, well, that in no way matters other than the fact that half of Bennifer Part II stars in this movie as well. If there were too many pop culture references in that sentence for you, sorry I’m not sorry. But seriously, Jennifer Garner’s been getting rave reviews for this film (which she also produced) about a girl who discovers she’s a genius at butter sculpture. And butter sculpture, as the most well-read of us know, is the most useless talent a child can ever be born with.

PITCH PERFECT

The trailer for this movie is so weird, it makes my weave blush. Anna Kendrick, yes, Oscar-nominee Anna Kendrick, headlines an all-girls high school a capella group that goes from singing Ace of Base to Blackstreet. Oh please, you remember the trailer when Kendrick’s shy soprano suddenly belts out “No Diggity” and the one black girl in the group runs for cover. Don’t worry, I can say that because I’m a black girl too.

JACK & DIANE

O.M.G. Listen to this logline from IMDBPro: Two girls must struggle to keep their passionate love affair alive while one of them hides the secret that her newly awakened sexual desire is giving her werewolf-like visions. Go watch the trailer now, before you implode.

THE MAN WITH THE IRON FISTS

RZA wrote and directed this. He got Russell Crowe to star in it. I repeat, RZA got Russell Crowe to star in a Kung Fu fiesta of a movie alongside that hot chick from The Real World: San Diego. Damn, it feels good to live in America.

THE WORDS

I once saw Bradley Cooper in the flesh. It was like staring at the sun. I haven’t seen Zoe Saldana in real life yet, but I’m pretty sure it would be a similar experience. Anyway, I think you should see this movie about a struggling writer who gains instant fame after plagiarizing mostly because I cry when that Imagine Demons song plays during the trailer.

THE PAPERBOY

Lee Daniels, who directed PRECIOUS, helms this indie about a pair of southern brothers who investigate a murder in hopes of exonerating a man on death row. At least, that’s what Wikipedia says this movie is about. In reality, I think most movie-folk are just relieved that Matthew McConaughey (who stars alongside Nicole Kidman, Zac Efron and John Cusack) has stopped playing the bongo drums naked.

FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL…

Two roommates start a phone sex business. Although I’m only now learning that this is a scripted comedy, I spent the last month thinking it was a documentary and gravely asking all my friends with loose morals if they “had something to tell me.” Regardless, I’ve heard great things about this movie and plan to go see it with my one remaining friend.

KILLING THEM SOFTLY

Brad Pitt. With a gun. And non-homeless hair.

August 28, 2012