Humor

The Unofficial Guide to Valentine’s Day at HBS

Yes, you are reading Kwama Sutra on the front page of the Harbus.  No, I am not announcing that I am in a relationship, as that is still a work in progress (kind of like the Big Dig in Boston during the 90s).  Yes, it is Valentine’s Day and the powers that be (Lavayna) have asked me to spread a little VD (ha ha) love to HBS.

But I cannot and will not write an article in support of Valentine’s Day.  I have realized that I hate Valentine’s Day.  In fact, I hate Valentine’s Day more than LCA replica watches uk, Faith Hill songs, or Y classes that start at 8:30 after a Euro Club Party.

As someone who preaches love 24/7/365, let me tell you that Valentine’s Day is too contrived.  It just gives the oh-so-lucky members of society in healthy relationships another reason to gloat about their successes; like when they kiss longer than everyone else on New Year’s Eve or they make their facebook profile pics a photo of them having so much fun!  But we single folk are left with little other than finding ways to cope on a night created solely to make us feel inadequate.

And let’s be honest, for a school that struggles with dating, Valentine’s Day is nothing more than an uncomfortable “does this mean we’re more serious than I thought, and how do I tell him/her that I don’t want to be too committed because Brown Sugar is next week” occasion for most of campus.

Valentine’s Day sucks.

Fine – maybe there are bigger reasons way I am anti-VD (this is still funny to me).  Normally, I wouldn’t open up about my past, but heck, this is the front page – I’m in primetime, it’s time to get a little emo with my readers.   So, let’s take a look back at some notable V-days in my history and perhaps you’ll see why I feel so strongly about Valentine’s Day.

February 14, 1994: Fresh off my 10th birthday, as a prepubescent young boy with a belly, I decide to make Shannon Marks my first ever Valentine.  For the occasion, I got her a New Kids on the Block Valentine’s Day card that read: “You Got the Right Stuff, Valentine.”  Placing a Hershey’s Kiss on the outside, I felt like a young Casanova.

Apparently, NKOTB stopped being popular in 92.  She ripped the card, ate the Chocolate, and went on a date with the guy who got her a Boyz II Men Valentine that said: “I’ll Make Love To You –when we’re in college.”

February 12, 2002 replica breitling: Captain of the Speech and Debate Team, and feeling like a million bucks, I ask my (dream) high school sweetheart, Jennifer Alpert to go to dinner on Valentine’s Day.  She accepts.  I think I have achieved Nirvana like Siddhartha (I probably had just read the book at the time),until she asks me to make a reservation for Rory Taggart – my best friend.  She has been “trying to talk to him all year, and thinks this is a great way to get him to ask her out.”

February 14, 2003-2006: I went to Columbia. It’s in NYC.  You don’t date in NYC.  Enough said.

February 14, 2007-2009: Valentine’s Day in law school is like tax day to business school folks.  Everyone dreads that fact the day is coming, do not see why they have to follow the rules, and spend the night arguing with a dork who is good with numbers, but bad with social skills.

February 14, 2010: Thanks HBS for planning recruiting week two days after Valentine’s Day!  In a weird way, I guess making Hell Week immediately following the 14th was an acceptable move because it made reading Case in Point in my boxers, while eating cold 9 Tastes leftovers acceptable.

As you can see folks it’s been rough for me.  Maybe it’s been rough for you too?  So, what can I, your esteemed dating columnist, do to make this week more bearable?

First off, I plan to create a spreadsheet that you can sign up on to have special Valentine’s Day appointments with me.  I’ll carve out about thirty to sixty minutes per person with the four slots per night for the whole week.  Remember, our time together JUST involves dating.  No one is trying to get arrested here.

Time with me not enough for you?

Then you should be investing in friends with benefits.  I discussed last week why you need to be hooking up with your friends, and I can’t think of a better time to start than Valentine’s week.  You’re probably wondering why I am so obsessed with advancing the friends with benefits theory?  Well, you don’t need Eddie Riedl’s “Business, Analysis, and Valuation” help to take a quick look at my facebook page, and yes, that’s me in a crab suit.  More importantly, you’ll see I have an insanely high number of friends.  Divide that number by two and there you go.

In any event, the friends with benefits mating dance goes a little something like this: invite your friend over, watch a really cheesy Rom Com starring Matthew McConaughey, get a bottle wine, and let miracles happen.  You’ll feel better in the morning.

And yes, you CAN do this all week!

Well, friends, enjoy the week.  I did my best.

February 14, 2011
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