Humor

Kwamukkah?

Sing it with me:

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (and let’s not forget all of the other religious holidays) at HBS.

Fine – I’ll stop with the songs.

Nevertheless, soon the snow will indeed make our campus nice and serene.   Men will aim to conceal their increasingly large beer bellies under sweaters, while gunners, running from each company wide presentation will slip and fall, creating one more opening for summer internships.  Eggnog will be spiked, and holiday lights will put up in an effort to create the ambiance that only a dimly lit room can provide.  Yes, the holiday season is upon us.  And for you my loyal readers, I have a gift.

In college, I had an idea – a modest idea really.  Why not create my own holiday?

If you think about it, the Holiday space has seen a market failure in promoting events that sponsor dating.  Holidays are all about being around your loved ones and buying that special someone the gift she has always wanted.  Well, what if that special someone left you for Nikhil Kalghatgi at Holidazzle because he was a better dancer, even though you paid for her dinner and her ticket… and err… Ya… dating sort of gets the shaft during holidays.

Thus, by emphasizing dating during the holiday season, I have found an arbitrage opportunity for a new holiday.

Ladies and gentleman, I introduce my creation to you – Kwamukkah.

Thus, when you are walking through Spangler, raise a glass and say to your friends, “Merry Kwamukkah.”

So, I know what you’re asking: “What does Kwamukkah really mean, and why should we celebrate it?”

Fortunately, you do not have to sit on my lap or give me cookies for an explanation.  Here we go…

Kwamukkah, founded in the year 2004, by yours truly, is a sacred holiday, in which single people across the world GIVE someone the opportunity to go on a date with them who they would otherwise not.  Thus, we still use the element of giving; just this time, we’re giving dates to those who are less fortunate.  As with all holidays, those who give also receive.  In this case, the givers “receive” a free meal and date.  Sounds like a pretty good setup, right?  Would you expect anything less of the Kwama Sutra?

The holiday occurs on December 11 each year.  This Kwamukkah is oh so special because it just so happens to fall on a Saturday night.

During the days before Kwamukkah, attractive people are seen roaming the streets, classrooms, and eating areas looking for someone to bestow a very special present to.  It is not uncommon to see some of our attractive classmates literally stop classes in Aldrich, ask an overweight ex banker to come to the front of the room, and grant him the gift of Kwamukkah.  After the more attractive person offers themselves to go on a date with a less attractive person, the more attractive person kisses them on the cheek and whispers into their ear: “Merry Kwamukkah.”

The date is filled with all sorts of stocking stuffers that would make any child jump for joy.  The most adamant believers of Kwamukkah won’t let on their boredom during the meal; living up to Kwamukkah, they will stay engaged with their lesser equipped date: “Oh really – it only took you four hours to conduct doc review and write the java code for your newest online project that matches people with animals who look like them in Bangladesh.  That’s so cool.  Sounds like a winner to me.  Why don’t we hold hands?”

Another Kwamukkah miracle.

You see, Kwamukkah is a holiday for those of us who may hate the holidays.  Indeed, winter parties are all great and stuff, but is it really worth it to wear your tacky green and red sweater (with a Christmas tree on the front) to a party if there is no on there to hold your hand?  Do you really want to throw up the spiced eggnog (reference from above) with no one there to hold your head back?

Finally, there’s an event that embraces those of us who are single.  And better yet, gives us the opportunity to date above our league.

Attractive single people – you know who you are.  Make someone’s wish come true, and participate in the mother of all holidays – Kwamukkah.

And Merry Kwamukkah to all, and to all a good night.

December 6, 2010
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