News

Section Rundown – SECTION J

Obviously every section thinks they’re awesome. Yet Section J has the distinct & exclusive pleasure of actually knowing that we’re the best.

A quick look at the 5p’s of Marketing should demonstrate J’s dominance.

Product:
Unbridled awesomeness

Place:
Section J dominates several routes to market. Whether on the Basketball courts (Champions!), or at the Bus Stop (we always come out in full force, decked out in camo), we’re coming at you strong and you can’t handle it.

Promotion:
J’s marketing strategy monopolizes several media. Section J’ers control the press (Editor-in-Chief), the most exclusive social events (Wine & Cuisine Society), and wherever there’s a spotlight, someone from Section J is stealing it.

Price:
How do you price sublime supremacy? The “Men of Section J” calendars sold for more than $100. So if the post-money valuation of 12 photographs of only a third of the dudes is $150, the implied total enterprise value of the full section is clearly north of $2.3 trillion.

Proctologist:
Ahhh the fifth P of Section J. Let us tell you from experience. if you’re going to play “word of the day” in class, try picking something subtle. Otherwise your section chair might perhaps possibly, hypothetically storm out in the middle of class.

Strategically we’ve employed several tactics to ensure sustained competitive advantage:

First Mover Advantage:
We’ve had the first and most successful charity auction. You’ll have yours sometime soon and you won’t raise as much.

Network Effects:
We’ve had the most inter-section events, ranging from Beer Olympics at the Bus Stop (where we’ve humiliated 6 sections) to Capture the Flag to Karaoke. We’re the section in highest demand because we roll the deepest and most enthusiastic.

Aggressive Expansion through Mergers & Acquisition:
We decided that 90 section-mates + 29 partners weren’t enough. So we’ve had 4 engagements, a marriage, a kid, and we’ve got another one on its way. That’s aggressive growth. Big Time.

But joking aside, I think Section J is uniquely distinguished for having faced the most adversity across the year, and having done so with the highest commitment to each other.

I describe our section as a beautiful tapestry of 90 brilliant individual threads woven together on the tensest of looms. This metaphor proved itself truest when one of our own recently faced the fight of his life, returning from spring break with encephalitis (inflammation of the brain, potentially lethal). While he was unconscious for days, sectionmates stayed with him 24/7. Everyone came together to support our fallen friend with visits, videos and cards. In terms of the metaphor, when one thread was at risk of unraveling, the other 89 tightened up the weave and refused to let go of him. That’s what we call J-Love, and that’s what makes Section J so great.

Thank you also to Phil Marxen, Derek Bennett & Nowshad Rizwanullah for contributing to this piece.

-Rassul Zarinfar (NJ), Section J President

May 4, 2009
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