News

Section Rundown – Section E

Family Planning: the Awkward Side of Section E’s Democracy
Following a series of parliamentary procedures and delay tactics by the opposition, Section E’s legislature passed a measure to conceive its first child. The 38 – 21 vote (31 abstentions) came after 52 minutes of heated debate during last Wednesday’s lunch period.

The bill, sponsored by Section L&V Rep Berrard Mahdi, stated, “So I think that for our family-oriented democracy to live on, we need to increase the birth rate. Basically we’re at zero right now.”

Mahdi cited the Section’s popular Thanksgiving dinner, skit nights, and mafia nights as examples of the familial environment. The bill conspicuously omitted Section E’s party-going reputation, ignoring its robust attendance at Latin Lust and all major Euro Parties.

While consensus emerged on the need for children, no section couple was willing to step forward. “We have a lot of hookups, but few actual relationships,” stated an anonymous citizen of Section E.

Instead of relying on an invisible hand, Section E resorted to its time-honored process of voting. However, unlike its norms, budget, and t-shirt discussions which were all painless, efficient, and extremely effective, this vote proved more contentious.

Of particular note, many jockeyed to be the child’s father. “It’s gotta [sic] be someone from Meathead Row,” avowed a stalwart member, Byoo D’arcy. Others advocated a softer approach, pointing to a crowd favorite. “I’m not interested and I feel like I’m being misrepresented,” remarked Wilson Chang.

Still others proposed a radically different approach, “While we may not be the smartest section, we certainly are the best looking,” stated lead guitarist Homan Maalouf. “We can genetically engineer an impressive child.”

Citing Arnold Schwarzenegger in his seminal work Twins, many agreed. “If it’s good enough for the Governator, it’s good enough for us,” added New Zealander James Allsworth.

Venus Kennedy Miller on the other hand, struck a more defiant tone, “First of all, any female in Section E would have amazing children. Second of all, have you seen Exhibit 7? Should we even be having this conversation?”

Section pop vocalist Phil Wong summed it up best when he said, “It’s a whole [brave] new world out there. As leaders, we need to be able to adapt.”

Section E has planned a series of four votes and two polls in the next two weeks to conceive a resolution.

-JJ Singh (NE), Section E President

May 4, 2009
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