Alcoholic Accessories

You may have heard of ‘Beer Goggles’ (the magic spectacles that make everyone look much more attractive after a few beers) or even of the ‘Beer Coat’ (which allows you to walk home in a T-shirt on the coldest of nights without even noticing that you’re getting frostbite in the hand which is still clutching a 40). But are you aware that there is a whole line of alcohol-related accessories available to the determined drinker?

Absinthe Amnesia: What happened last night? Where did that stuffed tiger come from? Why am I up a tree?

Bacardi Belt: A belt that mysteriously comes undone a lot at parties (see also Pisco panties).

Beer Bus: Like a beer taxi, except it brings fifteen people from the bar with you expecting a post-party at your place.

Beer License: Allows you to be as rude, offensive and lecherous as you like with absolutely no repercussions (WARNING: can be revoked without cause at any time).

Beer Taxi: The invisible taxi that picks you up when you leave the bar and deposits you at your apartment, without you having any memory of the journey.

Bourbon Bonus: Sense of being extremely flush with cash suddenly when approaching the bar.

Champagne Shirt: Champagne ordered when a guy walks into a fancy bar wearing jeans and a sweatshirt and wants to make himself look richer and less out of place (may be accompanied by the Topshelf Tux if he really wants to look more sophisticated).

Cider Visor: (see Beer Goggles).

Kaluha Condom: Less effective than you think it will be.

Drambuie Dress: A dress which can simultaneously get shorter and more low-cut the more you drink (useful for the rugby parties at Tommy Doyle’s).

Gin Jumper: British version of the Beer Coat.

Martini Map: Magical document which enables you to confidently set out from the bar you’ve been drinking in for the past three hours to go to a club, even though you don’t know it’s name, which street it is on or even which city it is in.

Rum Range: The high notes you can only reach in Karaoke at 3am.

Sambuca Sense: (Usually found among young males) the extrasensory perception allowing you, when very drunk, to tell that although the guy in front of you just said something fairly reasonable, what he actually meant was something very offensive about your mother. Obviously this deserves a punch in the mouth.

Shiraz Shoes: Can I tango? After this much red wine, I can dance to anything!

Tequila Talent: The ability to do something very difficult that you normally can’t do (stand on your head, recite Shakespeare, speak French) that manifests itself after drinking more than three shots of tequila.

Vodka Sneakers: Mainly worn by girls, enable them to walk home from a party in really uncomfortable shoes and not feel the pain (also Vodka Snowboots – same concept applied to walking around in pretty sandals in the snow).

Vodka Viagra: Needs no explanation.

Whisky Watch: A watch that stops for hours at around 9.30pm and then suddenly fast-forwards to 4am when you’re not looking.

Wine Wings: If you get to the point where you’ve drunk enough wine to think you can fly, go to bed. Seriously.

February 25, 2008
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