What would you like to drink?

Forget online personality typing, Myers-Briggs and the graphology so (apparently) beloved of French recruiters: if you really want a broad, overly simplistic and stereotypical way to categorize people, you need nothing more sophisticated than a quick glance at their beverage of choice.

You are a small child or a jock. If you are drinking it with a side of Oreos you are an American clich‚.

Organic Iced Tea
You are a socially-aware, health-conscious trend-setter who probably doesn’t understand what the definition of organic is, or have any idea whether ‘Pomegranate flavour from concentrate’ counts as healthy, but are trying your best. It is highly likely that you are vegetarian and proposed a charity for your section charity auction.

You are a perfectly normal person trying to pay attention in class despite having only had four hours sleep and not being entirely sure whether you are in TEM or LCA. You cannot understand why they provide decaf in Spangler.

Red Bull
It’s Friday morning and you went to Rumor last night. You are still wearing the same clothes, can’t remember if you’ve been home or not, and if cold-called you will take a wild stab at a comment about how cutting costs and increasing revenue will improve profitability, but that it is important to be aware of your fiduciary responsibilities at the same time. By a wild chance this will be the correct answer and your Professor will give you a 1.

Mountain Dew
You are either a redneck from the Midwest who likes skateboarding, or you went to Rumor last night and you woke up so late you can’t find anywhere that sells Red Bull and had to make do with what’s available in the vending machines in Aldrich. If cold called you will ramble incoherently for five minutes on the a wrong case, ignoring your neighbor’s subtle and not-so-subtle attempts to get you to shut up. Your Professor will start to ask you concerned questions after class, suspecting that you have had some kind of breakdown.

American Light Beer
You are an American Man. If you are shotgunning it, you are a Real Man. If you know how many fewer calories it has than regular beer, you are less of one.

Red Wine
You are trying to appear sophisticated and erudite, you probably never drank red wine before the film Sideways came out, and you couldn’t tell the difference between a left bank and right bank Bordeaux if someone showed you a map. You are considering joining the Wine and Cuisine Society, but are worried that there may be an interview and you will humiliate yourself by mispronouncing Semillon.

White Wine
As above, unless it is an over-oaked Chardonnay in which case you are a girl on a diet who doesn’t like Light Beer.

You are a teenager at a family wedding trying to get drunk for the first time without your parents noticing. Alternatively, you are an investment banker on bonus day trying to make friends by buying Veuve Cliquot for everyone in the bar and telling them all about the Ferrari you just bought. OK, when I say ‘make friends’ I mean ‘get laid for the first time since you sold your soul to Goldman Sachs last September’.

Gin and Tonic
You are a sloppy drunk who is at the stage of the evening when drinking martinis is pretty much impossible given how unstable you are on your feet, the nightclub you have ended up dancing badly in doesn’t serve any drinkable red wine and none of your friends will do a tequila shot with you because they are genuinely worried you will die of alcohol poisoning. Or you are British and drinking your usual pre-lunch aperitif.

A Pink Cocktail
You are a girl who, depending on whether the pink cocktail is a ‘Sex on the Beach’ or a dry Cosmopolitan, acknowledges that somewhere on the spectrum between Aldo and Manolo is the most important thing in your life. When you are an old lady you will probably own a small yappy dog that you buy cute little sweaters for.

Vodka and Cranberry
As above, but drinking at a house party where Cosmopolitans are not available and wishing you were in a trendy downtown bar instead so that you could show off your latest shoe purchase to a wider and more discerning audience.

A Shot of Tequila
You are either:
a) Trying to get drunk as fast as possible
b) A Mexican slowly sipping your favourite rare and unpronounceable brand
c) A member of Section J trying to hook up/generate scandal through the infallible process known as the ‘Body Shot’

A Complicated Martini (Appletini, Chocolatini, Saketini etc)
You are a city dweller who likes hanging out in fashionable bars but actually doesn’t drink much, and so wishes to make as much of a production as possible out of ordering your drink in order to disguise the fact that if you consume more than one of these you will have to be carried home.

A Classic Martini
You are a city dweller who likes hanging out in fashionable bars getting extremely drunk and having long and inaccurate arguments about politics with friends. The most deviation you will accept in your favorite drink is havoing a twist rather than an olive. You can tell the difference between Grey Goose and Ketel One after one sniff. If you spend ages snapping the cocktail stick into little epieces then you are sexually frustrated.

A Pina Colada, Margarita, Pisco Sour or rum and coke
You are still trying to pretend you are on Spring Break. Either get over it, or head down to Miami for one of the long weekends.

Scotch or bourbon
You are an American alcoholic, a Japanese businessman or a European having breakfast.

OK, I give up, you could be anybody.

April 17, 2007
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