50 signs you need to get away from HBS more

1. You raise your hand before speaking at dinner parties.
2. You use the phrase ‘building on that’ when on the phone to your mother.
3. You think that staying up until 3am to run the numbers for a case on financial engineering that you probably won’t even make a comment on is a good use of your time.
4. You think that staying up until 3am to read cases will be more beneficial to your performance in class than, say, sleeping.
5. Before getting involved in any charity event you check that you can put it on your resume.
6. You can recite the names of the top four investment banks in New York, but you have trouble remembering the name of your cousin’s new baby.
7. You intend to invite the head of recruitment for Goldman Sachs to your wedding.
8. You are genuinely confused when people don’t know what ‘TEM’ and ‘BGIE’ stand for (e.g. the person who is serving you at Starbucks).
9. You are so used to being within reach of the HBS wireless network that you can’t understand why you can’t connect to the internet while you’re in with a friend in a coffee shop in Boston.
10. You are trying to connect to myHBS while having coffee with a friend in Boston.
11. You have taken your laptop with you to have coffee with a friend in Boston.
12. You take your name card to restaurants because you really don’t feel comfortable sitting in a seat without it.
13. When you hear a gangster rapper say ‘That’s whack’ you are surprised that they have calculated their weighted average cost of capital.
14. When you hear the White Stripes sing ‘The Big Three Killed my Baby’ you are confused as to how McKinsey, Bain and BCG could get away with committing murder.
15. Instead of proposing to your partner, you suggest a merger with a view to spinning off some subsidiaries.
16. You start suggesting process flow improvements while waiting in line at Au Bon Pain.
17. You find yourself analysing the competitive advantage and unique selling points of your shampoo brand while in the shower.
18. You have thought about how each of Porters Five Forces affects your personal life.
19. You have drawn a 2 by 2 matrix on a napkin.
20. You have attempted to use a 2 by 2 matrix to assess the attractiveness of all the people in your section.
21. You have put said 2 by 2 matrix into PowerPoint and shown it during Skydeck Awards.
22. You only know which class you are in by which Professor is standing at the front.
23. You instinctively applaud when any of your friends says something in front of a member of their family.
24. You refer to your section mates by where they sit in class (e.g. ‘That’s what the guy who sits next to the door on Skydeck said yesterday’).
25. You think John Harvard’s Pub is a great place to spend a Saturday night.
26. You think the Grille is a perfectly good venue for an evening’s drinking.
27. You have an automatic urge to pee after being sat down for exactly 80 minutes.
28. You are on first name terms with every single staff member in Spangler Dining Room and the Grille.
29. Jose who makes the omelettes at Spangler knows your ‘usual’.
30. The last time you read something other than cases was the instruction leaflet for your BlackBerry.
31. You have a favourite locker at Shad.
32. The staff at Shad know which is your favourite locker and hand you the key as soon as you walk in.
33. You know more about the SA Presidential Candidates than who has declared for the Republicans so far.
34. You sleep with your BlackBerry closer to your bed than your alarm clock, so you can send e-mails if you think of something important at 2am.
35. You read the Harbus instead of the Wall Street Journal.
36. You are highly leveraged, and have valued your own personal interest tax shield.
37. You think going to Belize with 40 people from your section and arranging a party with a load of ECs is “getting away from HBS”
38. Despite coming from a liberal arts background and a cozy two year stint in consulting, plus not being entirely sure what the difference between RAM and ROM is, you are planning to start your own software company
39. You refer to the “flyover states” in class and are surprised when anyone objects
40. You think a weekend in Vegas counts as relaxing
41. You think returning from New York at 2am on Monday morning will give you plenty of time to prepare for class the next day
42. You’re too busy to come up with 50 things for your article this week…

Important: If more than five of the above are true, you are in serious danger of becoming completely assimilated into HBS. I recommend skipping class for a few days and going fishing with some old friends that have normal lives-without checking to see who caught the most fish, suggesting more efficient fishing methods or calculating the approximate market size for the fishing line.