Love Secrets

Priscilla Ball just happened and that means two things-love is in the air and secrets are being covered up. Well, I am not ashamed to tell you that I recently went 8minuteDating. I can hardly do eight-minute abs, but I decided that I would muster the fortitude to go on eight eight-minute dates in one night. For those of you who have never been before, see the flow chart to illustrate this process.

Each participant is handed a scorecard to keep track of the people they date. It also has helpful tips like which questions to ask, such as, “Do you follow current events?” or “What do you think about.?” (By the way, this does not work. I tried it at the graduate school mixer and a dental student could not believe I did not know Jen and Brad broke up).

Nothing interesting happened until I met Melanie700; then the sparks started to fly. Somehow, she offended my sensibilities when the first thing out of her mouth sounded like I was interviewing for a job. Regretfully, I could not resist the sarcastic side, and it all went downhill from there.

Melanie700: What do you do for a living?
Alejandro603: I’m unemployed.
Melanie700: Are you looking for work?
Alejandro603: Why, when the welfare checks are so good? What do you do?
Melanie700: I’m a social worker.
Alejandro603: My social worker really helped me with my crack habit.
Melanie700: .
Alejandro603: Yeah, with everyday low prices!
Melanie700: .
Alejandro603: What did you study to become a social worker?
Melanie700: Criminal justice.
Alejandro603: Oh, do you have a favorite serial killer?
Melanie700: .
Alejandro603: Oh come on, I know you do!
Melanie700: Jeffrey Dahmer. I don’t know. I just thought of that.
Alejandro603: Dahmer?! Dahmer?! My favorite is Jack the Ripper. He was what I call a disruptive innovator. Before him, people didn’t know about serial killing.
Melanie700: .
Alejandro603: Mmhmm. People always murdered one at a time, like Cain and Abel, or in parallel, like the Crimean War.
Melanie700: .
Alejandro603: He changed all that. Some of his techniques I don’t agree with, like murdering prostitutes, but that’s why I go to 8minuteDating.

I think those were the most painful eight minutes of Melanie700’s life, and will be at least until childbirth. Not much else happened for a while, although I met two psychotic teachers, one of whom was 40% older than me and the other who was 40% larger. Just when I thought I was the only person with a sense of humor, I met Jessica710. The first thing I did was to make fun of her.

Alejandro603: Is that one of those crappy magnetic charm bracelets?
Jessica710: No, it has an inscription on it!
Alejandro603: Oooh, let me see! Niiiice! I bought my brother a personalized frog greeter for his door. Every time you walk up to it, it goes “ribbit”!
Jessica710: Hah! Someone once bought me a Tickle-Me-Freud. It’s like Tickle-Me-Elmo, but he has seizures instead.
Alejandro603: Awesome!
Jessica710: In fact, you don’t even have to tickle him. One time he started having a seizure at 2 AM. After that I took his batteries out.

As the only date who made me laugh, Jessica710 was without a doubt my favorite person of the night, and I think the whole ordeal was worth it just to make a new friend. If you ever want to try out 8minuteDating yourself, please remember these tips:

1. Do not reveal personally identifiable information to anyone. Most of the people there are psychos. And because of FaceBook, you probably want to wear a mask, too.
2. OK, forget the first point. But stalker jokes aside, just be careful; after all, you will only have eight minutes to get to know each other. (And before I get accused of being “insensitive”, I may have strayed a little bit from the so-called facts when I wrote that bit about Jack the Ripper).
3. You will have way more fun if you drink. Heavily.
4. Be yourself, and failing that, be a buffoon.

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October 23, 2006
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