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Sports Short: IM Soccer Match-Up Features Corner Kicks, Guy Named "Nico," and "Frontal Assaults"

Old H (OH) avenged their only loss of 2004 with a convincing 3-1 victory over Old D (OD) Monday afternoon. The result seemed predetermined, with OH peppering the OD goal with a frontal assault that reminded former U.S. Army Battalion Assistant Chief of Operations “the Tank” Dave Blank of his days in Iraq.

Carl Everhart, a handsome and available 27-year old Southern gentleman with his own bedroom in SFP, gave OH a 1-0 lead when he tapped in a corner kick just before halftime. The second half started where the first half left off, as OH dominated the run of play and extended their lead when SA President Alex Michael took some time off from hob-knobbing with alumni and making sure our campus safety is secure to blast home a cross past the outstretched arms of the hapless OD goalie. OD responded resiliently with a goal of their own to make the score 2-1, but an insurance goal by OH solidified the victory and sent the dozens of female fans on the sidelines home happy.

Andy Kay, OH’s VP of media relations, commented at the post-game press conference, “All the credit to our opponents for playing like champions. Thankfully for us, OD had Nico Iacuzzi in goal, and that gave our team a lot of confidence. We knew that all we had to do was shoot the ball on net and it would probably go in. Nico resembled a deer in headlights, similar to when he gets cold-called in Entrepreneurial Marketing, and that proved to be the difference. Thank God they don’t play a lot of soccer in Italy.”

October 24, 2005
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