News

G-Unit Wins! For Real!

They’re whispering the D-word around Aldrich 110.

With a dominating 56-36 win over NH, the G-Unit has now won 5 of its last 6 halves, and perhaps more importantly, 2 of their last 3 games.

“I don’t know what to call it other than a dynasty,” said Nikhil “And Dime” Raj. “You might call our current situation ‘Goldilocks’ as we are really firing on all cylinders.”

“We shoved it in the face of all the people who disrespected us,” exulted Alma “The Glove” Mathias, “If you believe the current ‘standings’ we’re supposedly ‘2-5’ now. Whatever that means. We’re winners.”

Demonstrating a balanced scoring attack, NG ran out to a quick 11-4 lead and never looked back, extending their lead to 31-21 by the half. Led by the strong inside presence of Bernard “The Man” Parker, Jason “e.g. My Cox Is Bigger Than Yours” Giordano and Clay “Gandhi” Cowan, NG dominated the glass, scoring countless baskets on putbacks and other second shot opportunities. NG was further bolstered by the return of Puneet Sapra-Man, whose outside shooting created space inside for NG’s inside bruisers.

“It helped that they’re midgets,” said referee Eric “Clay You Really Did Travel” Sager.

NG also demonstrated rare game-planning insight by using a man defense to smother NH leading-scorer Greg “Dave” Tademoto. Rather than using more skilled defenders, NG tasked Greg-lookalike Dave “Greg” Cho with covering Dave “Greg” Tademoto. NH point guards consistently looked elsewhere to pass, uncertain whether to pass to Greg-Dave-Greg or not.
“They’re both Asian,” remarked Aaron “please Please PLEASE PPPLLLEEEAAASSSEEE Put Me On The Jumbotron” Montgomery. “That’s the brilliance of the plan.”

Following the game, joyous fans across New England popped champagne corks, hugged strangers and flooded streets and college campuses in celebrations that lasted well into Wednesday morning. Police said 35 arrests were made, 14 revelers were taken to hospitals and 30 were treated at the scene. One officer was at Boston Medical Center with a shoulder injury.

Newly-elected SA Co-President Akram “I Wasn’t Kidding About the I-Pods” Zaman urged calm amongst NG fans in the Greater New England area. “My Fellow Americans,” began the Australian President-elect, “I urge you to celebrate in a fashion consistent with our values and beliefs.”

HBS students listening to Zaman’s address, however, quickly became confused. Uncertain how to interpret Zaman’s comments, some read cases, others instinctively raised their hands. While a few intrepid souls began drinking, most quietly started clapping in Pavlovian response.

March 14, 2005
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