A weekend meant to reignite a sense of nostalgia and emotion for the respected, time-honored HBS alumni devolved into chaos and debauchery this past Saturday. Police were forced to bring an abrupt end to the festivities put on by Class of 1967, a class whose legacy prior to the incident had been the donation of
Police responded quickly to complaints of noise and lewd behavior on the Baker Quad at approximately 2:27AM and immediately found a mess on their hands. The “distinguished” group of alumni had apparently devised a beer slide contraption that extended through the Baker quad, and were preparing to test the waves. Beer drinking games were allegedly MCed by Snoop Dog, who disturbingly had brought a camera crew to the campus.
Besides the events on the front lawn, alumni had apparently gained access to the Baker Library tower. “Not sure how they got the DJ equipment or the goat to the top of the library tower,” remarked an obviously impressed Officer Brusky, who was first to arrive on the scene, “but man these guys can party.” “I’m just glad we had enough blankets to cover up all the nudity,” responded Sergeant Kirkowski.
Several alumni were escorted from the scene while one was arrested. “This a clear violation of 1967 HBS Community Standards – which actually encouraged this kind of behavior. LVI reps around the world will have something to say about this”, exclaimed Sam Bowie, CEO and founder of New Jersey based Genepools, Inc, before being carted away in a police car. One unidentified classmate, an alleged politician from Texas sporting a toga and surrounded by two men in dark suits, agreed: “This is what we used to wear to class, man, give us a break.” He pointed to the bedsheet that was fortunately still covering his body.
“I realize they were just trying to have fun, but things were really getting out of control,” commented Natalie Tran of section OD, who called in the dorm disturbance. “But I had to do something after hearing someone yell ‘let’s go streaking'”.
The Class, undoubtedly shamed by the incident, has officially apologized and agreed to several months of community service on campus grounds. They have also offered to donate a new yoga wing to Shad. The goat, unfortunately, remains unaccounted for.