In a dominating show of cardiovascular fitness, Billy “Mac the Knife” McMorran (NG) took home the coveted HBS Boston Marathon title. Holding off second place finisher Dan “My Daddy’s Wearing the Pants Today” Hang (NG), McMorran completed the marathon in only 2 hours, 11 minutes and 30 seconds.
In addition to winning the HBS Boston Marathon, McMorran also finished 39th overall in the (actual) Boston Marathon and 18th amongst all American runners. Surprising many analysts, McMorran also defeated six Kenyans and an Ethiopian.
“Billy Mac is the Man,” claimed Keenan “What am I doing in a Section G article?” Klinger in an actual quote. “And I don’t mean the Man that oppresses minorities.”
Though settling for second place in the HBS Boston Marathon, Hang managed to finish first in the Running With My Dad HBS Boston Marathon, posting a time of 3 hours, 45 minutes and 50 seconds. Hang also managed to defeat two Kenyans while his finish bettered his bib number by a whopping 726 spots.
“Dan really showed us a lot out there today,” said fan Melissa “I dare you to call me” Miao “mix” Miao. “Too bad we didn’t get to see him.”
Over 500,000 spectators lining the course to catch a glimpse of section G’s racing stars, but fans were disappointed when they missed Hang as he ran by, their view obscured by an unidentified runner.
“Well…..that,” said Steve “No, I don’t need caffeine, drugs or alcohol to make my ed rep announcements” Altman, “and the fact that we were focused on chanting ‘Dae Han Min Gook’ every time a Korean runner passed by.”
Fortunately, with his hair flopping with each step, adoring fans saw (and cheered on) McMorran throughout the course. As he approached the crest of what-everybody-thought-was Heartbreak Hill, McMorran sighted the Section G Billy Mac Fan Club, slapping five with the fans as he ran by. This moment marked McMorran’s triumphant return from a near-career ending injury suffered in the Chicago Marathon a year and a half ago. More miraculously, McMorran managed to reach this point in the race despite passing by the adoring fans from Wellesley.
“Billy Mac is back on track,” rhapsodized fan Sumona “My Last Name Rhymes With ‘Chronic'” Pramanik.
McMorran’s run was nearly derailed one final time as he approached the finish. Stunning many spectators, McMorran veered off course one final time to kiss three members of Cho’s Hoes prior to reaching the finish.
“That was the highlight of the marathon for me,” said Emily “Billy’s Lilies has a nice ring to it” Huang.
David “Would like to be Charlie but is actually Bosley” Cho could not be reached for comment.