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Where the Hell Are the Damn Pitch Books?

Seth, take me off the damn speakerphone. That’s better.
Now where the hell are the f@#king pitch books?! My flight leaves in am hour and I got nothing. Nothing! No models, no boilerplate, no spiral-bound books with a clear cover and black back. $20 million in fees are gonna vanish into thin air because you can’t get off your ass to finish the books. The biggest deal of my life and you’re gonna screw me on it.

Seriously, I could care less if I made a bunch of changes to the models at the last minute. And, I really don’t give a damn that you pulled back-to-back all-nighters. When I was an analyst, I would work on, like, nine live deals and I’d never, ever miss a freakin’ deadline.

When I was analyst, I could pull all-nighters in my sleep. I’d pull ’em left and right. Just knock ’em out. Hell, one time I wasn’t staffed on anything but I still pulled an all-nighter. Out of principle.

But that’s just me. That’s who I am. Maybe that’s why I got a maid, a cook and a doorman. Hell, I got two Swedish nannies and I don’t even have children. I’m a hitter. I’ve got a seat at the Met and a VIP card at Scores. I’m a success. Or at least I was a success until you got staffed on this deal.

Are you trying to sabotage my career? Is that what you’re trying to do?
Screw Rob Parsons? Ruin my life?

Well let me tell you something, Seth. I’m on a plane in less than an hour. If I don’t have a model in my hand by liftoff, your freakin’ career is over.
When I get angry, I get pissed off. And when I get angry and pissed off, I become a hurricane. And you become a small Caribbean island.

I become a tornado, and you become a Midwestern trailer park. I become an earthquake, and you become tenement housing in third world countries.

And don’t think you can get back at me in my 360 degree review. That stuff is all b-s. Like anyone actually cares what an analyst thinks. But then again, go ahead and trash me in my review. I get to read exactly what everyone wrote. And then I’ll have even more of a reason to kick your ass.

Wait a sec, my doorman just dropped something off at my door. Oh, the books. Here they are. I guessed you already dropped them off.
Well, Seth, I got one thing to say to you.

I’ve got a lot ridin’ on this meeting. You better not have f&%ked anything up.

What were you expecting? A thank you? An apology?

Geez, you’ve got a lot to learn about this business.

March 1, 2004
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