News

The Best Of H-BS

Club VPs Form VP Club
(Spangler 201) Following on the footsteps of the Trek Club, which was recently formed by Club Trek organizers, 43 Club VPs formed the VP Club last week.

“The purpose of the club is to share VP information and best practices across organizations,” said VP Club co-founder Bettina Houston. “Imagine the great parties the religious clubs will start having once the VPs of Social for the Latter Day Saints Club and the Catholic Students Association start meeting with the co-VPs of Social from the Midwest Club.”

According to Tyra Johnson, VP of VP Outreach for the VP Club, the club has already delivered important results. “Last Sunday, ten VPs of Operations met at Bertucci’s to clear up the issue ‘What does a VP of Operations actually do?'” said Johnson.

“The Volleyball Club VP of Operations thought his job was to bring the balls to practice. But the Soccer Club’s VP of Operations thought that this was too important to be left in the hands of a VP so one of the co-Presidents took care of it. But neither one had ever spoken to the other about it. That is why this club is so great.”

After three pizzas and an hour long debate, the members reached a consensus on job responsibilities and drafted a universal one-line job description for their position – “To recruit next year’s VP of Operations.”

NASA Rover Discovers World Does Not Revolve Around HBS Student
(Houston, TX) Spirit, the $400 million NASA rover that recently landed on the surface of Mars, made its first important discovery last Thursday when it uncovered incontrovertible evidence that the world, in fact, does not revolve around RC student Janice Snyder, despite Janice’s strong belief that it does.

“We originally sent the rover into space to find evidence of life on Mars,” said NASA assistant administrator Ed Weiler. But we got so many inquiries from Janice’s family, friends and sectionmates regarding the validity of her insistence on a Janice-centric view of the universe, we felt it was necessary to put the issue to rest before the rover drives off the lander to investigate the geology of the Gusev Crater.”

Since hearing the news, Snyder’s sectionmates have high hopes for the rest of semester.

“No longer will Janice be able to bring every single class discussion back to her experiences as a founder, Chairman and CEO of a high technology funded by all the best VCs in the Valley,” said Scott Patterson, who sat next to Snyder last semester. “Or as a consultant for McKinsey. Or a founder of the second-largest non-profit in the country that teaches Argentine tango to homeless vets.”

“Next time I have to here about how the Tango changed the lives of those damn Vietnam Vets, I’m gonna be like ‘Stop right there Janice. NASA. Ever hear of it?’ And she’ll stop because the last thing anyone would ever wanna do is admit they haven’t heard of NASA.”

The section expects the changes go far beyond Janice’s belief that every case is written solely for the purpose of getting her to talk about her own work experiences.

“Now we can have a section retreat the first weekend in March, even though Janice can’t make it,” said social chair Scott Patterson

Added classmate Joan Watkins, “We also can go to Costa Rica for Spring Break, even though Janice has already been there.”

Janice’s family expects similar changes.

“Hopefully at Easter the rest of our children will get a chance to talk about themselves – unlike Thanksgiving,” Janice’s mother said, referring to the meal when Janice talked the entire four hours about herself and how well she was doing at HBS and about all her interview and more about those “damn Vets doing the Tango.”

“Sometimes I think I really screwed up as a parent because she is so self-centered. Well, all that’ll change with this whole NASA thing. And I bet the students at HBS will be happy.”

“It must be a rarity to have a student at Harvard who is so impressed with herself.”

Not to be Outdone, HBS Students Start Their Own Porno Mag
(Spangler) Fearing that Harvard students have one-upped them with the launch of “H-Bomb,” a University-sponsored erotic magazine featuring nude photos of undergrads, two HBS students have started their own pornographic journal, “HBS Fleece.”

According to RC student and co-founder Byron Howell, “If there’s seriously a market for nude pictures of dorky 18 year-old former Academic Decathletes who used to captain their math teams, then there’s gotta be a market for naked shots of 27 year-old Ivy-educated consultants who were former Academic Decathletes and captained their math teams.”

Howell believes HBS, which has a history of shoving all its money in the rest of the University’s face, will be supportive of the magazine. “HBS is always trying to make up for the fact that it’s on the other side of the river. So we have the biggest student center, the fanciest gym, and the best library. Professors at the Law School get their own erasers so they can clean their own boards. HBS professors haven’t washed a board since 1973.”

“The last thing the Administration wants is the College to have the best skin mag in Boston. Gosh – if the school gets behind this like it usually does, we’ll probably have our own adult cable channel by 2006.”

The Board of Trustees is meeting about “HBS Fleece” next week, according to HBS spokeperson Ari Fleischer. “But the Board wants to get one thing straight – this magazine has to be tasteful. Like Maxim. Or at least Juggs.”

“HBS Fleece” co-founder Erica Beckham hopes the University will support the literary endeavor because sex is “totally not talked about on campus.”

“Besides the Priscilla Ball, weekly Skydecks about section hookups, the booze cruise orgies, Professor’s making daily jokes with sexual innuendo and 200 people making out on the dance floor at Holidazzle, you’d think we’re going to school at a monastery. Only without the pedophilia.”

Beckham and Howell believe getting students to pose nude maybe difficult. “Students at HBS are forward thinking, so most will probably come to the conclusion that posing naked may be damaging to their careers, unless they want to be actors or run for governor of California,” continued Beckham.

But according to Howell, a full contingency plan has been put in place.

“If we can’t get any nude shots, we’ll just take pictures of people in the Shad cardio room. There’s more skin and cleavage there than on ‘Trump: the Apprentice.'”

Though they are still waiting for funding approval, the founders are moving ahead with the content and layout for the first issue so they can have it ready for graduation weekend.

According to Beckham, “We want to stay close to our roots, so the magazine is going to have a business bent to it.”

“While we haven’t locked down the exact articles, we’ve come up with a theme for the first issue,” Howell added.

“Multi-party transactions.”

Case Method Prepares Student Well for 91-Person Meetings
(Aldrich) After three semesters of the case method, EC student Ariel McManus believes he is ready to shine in 91-person meetings when he starts his job at GE this August. According to McManus, “Whenever my division at GE calls a 91-person meeting and the goal of the meeting is to simply discuss an issue, but not reach a decision – I’ll be ready to make one comment every hour and twenty minutes.” McManus also believes he is prepared to run his own meetings once he becomes a Vice President.
“I’m going to just facilitate the discussion while not directing my employees to the appropriate issues.

Before the meeting is over, I’ll give my three to five takeaways on the topic and then we’ll all clap.”

May 10, 2004
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