Point: Rot in Hell You Bad, Bad Person
By Hiawatha Francisco
There are a lot of bad people in the world – pedophile priests, Al-Qaeda terrorists, cigarette smokers. But while these people are despicable and evil and should be locked away forever, the crimes they’ve committed against humanity don’t come close to those perpetrated by the most heinous lawbreakers at HBS – people whose cell phones ring in class.
And as far as I’m concerned, the only person more wicked than Osama Bin Laden is the owner of the cell phone that’s ringing right now. How dare that person forget to turn it off before class?! I bet that person asked someone to call in the middle of BGIE, just to ruin our discussion.
Every time I hear a cell phone ring in class, I wanna sigh. In fact, I often do sigh. Loudly. Sometimes louder than the ring itself. But I never, ever sigh on the first ring. On the first ring I turn around quickly and stare at the phone’s owner.
And it looks to me like it’s ol’ Len Sakata who can’t keep his phone off. I’m gonna give Len a nasty look. No, no – a REAL nasty look. Then I’m gonna sigh. At each successive ring, I’lla sigh louder than I sighed before.
Then maybe I’ll roll my eyes a couple of times.
I used to think that Len was a decent guy. He seemed quiet and hardworking. But it was all an act. He showed his true colors today, and those colors are the colors of pure evil. Now I know how people feel after they find out their nice, shy neighbor is actually a serial killer who eats his victims’ armpits.
Hopefully, this country will one day develop a legal system to effectively punish people like Len. I’m thinking a minimum three to five years in a maximum security federal prison. Cell phone violators belong in jail with their own nefarious kind – all the killers and rapists and people who pray in schools.
Until that time, I guess I’ll just have to be satisfied knowing that people
whose cell phones ring in class will receive eternal punishment.
When they rot in the fiery pits of hell.
Counterpoint: You’re Absolutely Right, I am a Bad Person
By Len Sakata
What was that noise? Oh my god, is that my cell phone? Well, let’s not jump to conclusions just yet. Maybe someone else downloaded the “Like a Virgin” ring tone from Motorola.
Nope, that second ring was right next to me. It’s definitely mine. I’m so embarrassed, I’m actually blushing. Everyone is looking at me – my section-mates, the professor, even Jim’s guest who works at Fidelity, applied to HBS, and had his interview this morning. Twenty minutes ago I clapped for him; now, I’m an object of his scorn. They’re all so annoyed.
I better turn this thing off. Quickly.
Where the hell is it? It’s not in the jacket that I’m still wearing, is it? Let me pat my pockets multiple times to make sure. Nope…it’s not there.
Wait, there it goes again. And it’s getting louder. This “Like a Virgin” download sure seemed like a good idea at 4 a.m. Saturday morning. But I’m starting to think that maybe it was a mistake.
Gosh, will this phone ever go to voicemail?
Everyone – I’m sorry. This was seriously an accident. I never meant to interrupt Karen’s comment. Let me check my bag. It’s probably in there.
I’ll just frantically sift through all the cases and notebooks – it’s more
efficient than calmly removing them one by one.
Phew – I found it. Let me shut this off.
Please forgive me everyone. I screwed up. I always screw up. It’ll never happen again. I’m getting rid of my phone after class. I’ll also fast and beat myself with a wooden cane so I that can atone for my sin. I am a bad, bad person.