This week the Harbus has achieved an exclusive scoop! After much negotiation and chasing around campus your sports editor has secured an interview with one of the most athletic beings on campus – an HBS squirrel. The campus squirrels, which spend 50% of their lives running around, put most of our sporting efforts to shame.
NB: No animals (well, none big enough to worry about) were hurt in the production of this interview.
Fact File: A Squirrel
Height: 4 inches
Weight: 1 pound
Hair: Copper red
Marital Status: Promiscuous. I prefer squirrels but any rodent will do. I DON’T do dogs, they never call back.
Favorite Food: Nuts
Favorite Drink: Tepid rain water, especially if it collects in gutters.
Favorite Film: Return of the Squirrel
Nickname: Red Tail
How Acquired Nickname: I have a red tail!
Harbus: What HBS sports team do you play for?
Squirrel: Frustratingly the administration will not allow small furry animals to participate in campus sports unless they are enrolled in the MBA program, and small furry animals are not allowed to enroll in the MBA program. It’s a Catch 22 situation – what’s a squirrel supposed to do!!!
Harbus: Do you intend to do anything to rectify this heinous injustice?
Squirrel: Your readers can help. HBS promotes racial and sexual equality between humans. Just because I’m an annoying red colored rodent I should not be discriminated against in this way. All students interested in supporting my cause should meet on the Baker Lawn at 4am on June 1st. As an incentive we’ll be giving out free nuts to the first attendee.
Harbus: What sports or activities do you participate in?
Squirrel: Scampering around campus is my favorite past time.
Harbus: What does that involve?
Squirrel: It involves running aimlessly in random patterns around the campus.
Harbus: How did you get into this?
Squirrel: OK, so the patterns aren’t so random. The truth is we’re employed by the faculty. Each MBA student has an allotted squirrel whose job is to shadow the student and make sure that they spend the recommended two hours prep time per case and don’t break Community Standards. And you humans thought we were just dumb animals. Suckers!
Harbus: Tell us about your best moment on the job?
Squirrel: The freedom. We get to access all areas. It can be particularly enlightening to snoop through the windows at night. There was this one time when I looked through the window of a building (which I won’t name) and saw… …well let’s just say that I didn’t know you could do that with an umbrella and some old wasabi peas!!!
Harbus: Tell us about your worst moment on the job?
Squirrel: Spring cleaning. Deans Clark and Kester insisted on a squirrel shampooing clause in the landscaping contract. The problem is that they use cheap CVS brand shampoo. I wouldn’t mind if they forked out on some decent shampoo such as Aveda but this CVS crap gives me a rash on my bottom.
Harbus: We have a similar problem. They spend a small fortune on
making the campus look good and then buy the cheapest, thinnest toilet paper in existence.
Squirrel: Tell me about it.
Harbus: Interesting. So what is the biggest challenge about being a squirrel at HBS?
Squirrel: I’ve been trying to follow the core RC curriculum and it’s difficult to find a study group that will accept me. Only last week Rudina Seseri (NG) was late for a write up for the 42nd time – I’m not sure whether it’s because I’m a squirrel or it’s because she’s always late…
Harbus: Do you have any advice for young athletes out there?
Squirrel: Train hard and eat hard. There’s no better feeling than nibbling on some big round shiny nuts. Especially if they’re salty.
Harbus: On that note I think we’ll thank you for your time.