News in Brief:

Wine-in-a-Box Brought to Dinner Party
(217 Harvard St.) According to guests in attendance, RC student Walter Berry committed a major faux-pas when he brought Peter Vella wine-in-a-box to the monthly study group dinner at Don Ulrich’s house last Friday. “Walter, you’re so tacky,” Berry was told by RC student Kathy Masters, who unknowingly brought the same exact bottle of Kendall Jackson Merlot that Ulrich had given her at the last group dinner at her house. “We’re adults now. We’re not drinking Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill in the woods in High School anymore. Let’s start acting like the sophisticated people we are.” After the dinner, the sophisticates headed over to the Kong and drank nine types of liquor through straws.

Single Writeup Emailed to Entire Class of 2005
(Boston) Though numerous students claim responsibility for the work, a single study group writeup for the WalMart case was emailed out to every single RC student last Sunday night. “I was shocked to see everyone in my section with the same writeup as the one I did for my group,” said an indignant Mary Jamison. “I busted my butt on that – I can’t believe someone in my 98-person virtual study group emailed it out to everyone else at HBS.” Barry Korn, Jamison’s neighbor in left field, is surprised by her anger. “I checked out the ‘Properties’ section for the file, and the file was created February 9th. 2003. By Adam Mayor. A second year at HBS. And Mary’s boyfriend. Maybe that explains why Mary was the only one to crack Cranberry.”

Campus Cleansing Only Ten Weeks Away
(UHS) EC student Rita Downs was driven to near hysteria with grief yesterday as it was revealed that she, and her classmates, had only ten weeks left at school. While rumors have persisted all year that eventually the Class of 2004 would be forcibly removed from campus, the certainty of the event was driven home recently with the appearance of a “Commencement” Tab on all ECs’ my.hbs homepages. “I…I..c-can’t b-believe it,” whimpered an obviously distraught Rita, adding, “we just got here, like, y-yesterday.” Upon learning from H-BS that she hadn’t actually arrived “just yesterday,” but rather “a year-and-a-half ago,” Rita retorted, “f-off, can’t you see I am upset?” Some classmates, however, were less moved. EC student Kareem El-Gabbar explained, “Personally, I can’t wait to get as far away from this bubble as I can and away from all the baloney that goes on here. It’s all so fake.” When asked his plans after graduation, El-Gabbar said that, while not totally definitive, they include Uganda trek, three sectionmates’ weddings, a cruise with his study group, and then moving to New York where he and an analytics friend were going to share an apartment while they work for McKinsey and Goldman respectively.

February 23, 2004
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