News

News In Brief

RC Discovers M&M Arbitrage Opportunity
(Spangler Grille) In a hush-hush meeting with friends Thursday, Thad Stevens (NE) reported that he had discovered an opportunity for risk-free profit involving M&Ms as frozen yogurt toppings. One meeting attendee, who asked to remain anonymous, recalls Stevens explaining, “Let’s say you’re getting a frozen yogurt at the Grill. You put M&Ms on top. How much do you pay? You pay by weight. And how much do the M&Ms cost?

Well, I figured it out. They cost 1.5 cents each.” Stevens allegedly continued, “But here’s the thing: You can buy M&Ms in bulk for 0.3 cents each. That’s a 1.2-cent spread per M&M! Let’s say I stand by the yogurt machine and offer people M&Ms for 0.5 cents. They win, I win. I’m gonna arbitrage the hell out of this!” At this point, one meeting attendee tried to change the subject to hot Section K women. Stevens, who frequently brings the conversation back to the topic of arbitrage, interrupted, “I’m serious. Maybe you guys don’t want free money, but I do.”

Crimson Greeters Downgraded from Friends to Acquaintances
(Shad Hall) In a move that shocked the street, Jessica Cordova today downgraded the classmates she met in her Crimson Greetings team from “friends” to “acquaintances.” In a statement released Friday after the close of the markets, Cordova expressed disappointment over how this sector of her network has performed over the past two to three quarters.

“I had high expectations from this group which have failed to materialize in substantive returns on my investment,” she said in a call to analysts, adding, “especially that Kelly woman.”

Her actions, coming only one quarter after she short-sold Bobby Peterson, have broad implications for the HBS market as a whole. “If she can downgrade her Crimson Greeters,” noted one analyst, “she could very well dump her entire section and erode confidence in the whole network.”

Others were less troubled, including Frank Landington, who reiterated his “Strong buy” rating on “that chick in the skydeck.” The chick was unavailable for comment.

Student Aces Imaginary Interviews
(Hamilton Hall) Sources report that RC student Benjamin Burnett “totally aced” all of the interviews he had in his mind last week. “Man, was it sweet”, said Burnett, reminiscing about the total slam-dunk interviews that didn’t actually happen, “When I told the interviewer in my imagination my three greatest strengths, he fell to his knees and thanked God that I was applying for the job. Then, the case that he gave me was an exact duplicate of a case we did in FRC last semester – even better, it was even the one I had done the write-up for. You should have seen the look on his face as I re-allocated those factory overhead costs without even using a calculator. And when I explained to him why I was a perfect match for his company, he was nodding and grinning like a brain-washed baby. Ka-ching!”

Although Burnett’s best interview last week was the one he had in front of his bathroom mirror, followed by the one he aced in the shower, he also finished yet another interview with a coup: the perfectly-timed and flawlessly-delivered interview joke.

Upon hearing the joke, the imaginary interviewer tilted his head back and laughed heartily. “I can really see you fitting in with the rest of the gang here”, he said, giving Burnett’s shoulder a reassuring, collegial pat, “In fact, I’m considering doubling our normal internship salary, just to make sure that we get a precious, precious gem like you on board.”

Burnett’s alarm-clock then went off, and the rest of his week was, as expected, a disaster.

February 9, 2004
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