News In Brief:

Student Unable to Avoid Holidazzle Hookup Any Longer
(Boston) After more than a month of aggressively avoiding the RC student he hooked up with at Holidazzle, EC student Eric Fillion was forced to talk to Cheryl Madsen at Grafton’s last Thursday when she cornered him at the bar. “It was all crowded and I was paying for a beer and when I turned around, Cheryl was standing right on top of me,” remembered Fillion. “So, I figured I had to speak to her. Especially if I wanted to leave the door open for another hookup at Newport.” After an awkward discussion about the break and why Eric hasn’t called and how busy he’s been, Fillion cut the conversation short citing a sore throat and a case he needed to read for tomorrow.

Wife Cramping Married Student’s Style
(Allston) Chrissy Poppadokis, the wife of 31-year-old EC student George Poppadokis, is severely cramping her husband’s style, according to numerous sources at HBS. “I’m always asking George to go out drinking on Tuesday nights and I know he wants to go,” said Stu Pederson, a 27-year-old single sectionmate. “But he’s always turning me down because he has to hang out with Chrissy. I always say ‘Bring her along,’ but I guess she works or something and doesn’t want to go drinkin’ on Tuesdays.” Pederson added that Pappadokis could be having a lot more fun at school if he didn’t have Chrissy hanging over his head. “Let’s face it, if Chrissy wasn’t here, he’d be getting a lot more play.”

Student Commemorates 30th Birthday with Removal of Large Patch of Ear Hair
(Porter Square) EC student Harry Townsend celebrated his historic 30th birthday yesterday with the excision of a sizable patch of ear hair. “On my 16th birthday I got a license. On my 21st I could legally drink,” remembered Townsend as he plucked a prominent grey hair from his eyebrow. “For my 30th, I get hair growing in strange places. Just look at my knuckles for godsake.” If his 30th is an indication of a trend, then Townsend is in trouble. “With my luck, I’ll wake up on my 40th birthday to find that my stripper girlfriend has stolen my watch and cut all my pictures out of the frames. On my 50th, I’ll probably get prostate cancer.” Townsend has a lot to look forward to.

ESPN Classic USFL Football Causes Case to Go Unread
(Hamilton) ESPN Classic’s airing of the USFL regular season game between the New Jersey Generals and the Birmingham Stallions was blamed yesterday for EC student Michael Barrow’s failure to read his Investment Management case. “How does HBS expect me to read my cases when ESPN is showing such an epic football game?” Barrow complained to his neighbor after he punted on his cold call. “I mean, that game is definitely top ten material for the USFL. I’ve been hearing so much about the duel between Cliff Stoudt and Brian Sipe, I had to see if for myself.” Barrow worries that if ESPN starts showing XFL games, he’ll never get anything done.