News In Brief:

EC Student Found with Spoon in Tunnels
At 11:25am on Monday, January 12th, a bewildered and disoriented second-year male was found trying to dig through the cinderblock wall blocking the tunnels in the basement of the Rock Center. Armed with a spoon from Spangler, he was found muttering, “I could walk here last year…in my shorts…so warm…just a little more digging.” The search for the student began when concerned relatives contacted the school after he did not return home for the winter break. When interviewed by public safety officers, the student admitted that he has been trying to re-connect the tunnel to his dorm room in Hamilton “since my Y classes ended…they were both papers.” No noticeable hole was found.

Administration Admits: RC Seating Charts Actually Created by Evil Trolls
Contrary to its normal strategy of shrugging and looking all innocent, the HBS administration came clean today, and admitted that, in fact, “randomness” plays a very small role in anything that ever happens on the campus, ever. “We have long told students that a lot of what happens in the RC year is due to mere chance, or a simple randomizing computer algorithm,” said one anonymous administrator, “However, the truth is that we have an army of evil, invisible trolls that spend all day following you around and capturing every fact about you and your personality. We then consolidate this information into an ‘annoyance index’ that selects sections, Crimson Greeting groups, dorm hall-mates, etc., based on which people you would have the most infuriating and hilarious clashes with. We then regularly meet in a hidden dungeon under Kresge and laugh over your ‘misfortune’ and ‘bad luck’. Har!” This revelation explains why the guy with severe myopia was put in the skydeck, the girl with the softest voice was put in the wormdeck, and why you are going to sit next to someone with extremely poor personal hygiene for the remainder of the year.

That Freak in Your Section Anxious to Start New Semester
Despite the fact that you have been dreading the start of the second semester for weeks now, sources reported on Monday that the toolish, sycophantic freak in your section is anxious for classes to begin again. “Cases! Is there anything as glorious as reading cases?!” cheerily asked the annoying overachiever, “I could surely write a thousand sonnets solely devoted to my love of cases! As the spring blossoms, so too does my adoration of accounting, my fervor for finance – behold my special gold-plated calculator that I keep upon a silk pillow, and cuddle with at night! Fiddle-dee-dee! Cases fill me with glee! If cases were food, I would definitely consume them for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and the occasional sensible high-fiber snack! I can’t wait to be a Baker Scholar, because then, guess what I shall do? I shall enroll in a PhD program, and spend all day writing cases! And then, I shall get my favorite ones tattooed on my oft-kissed butt!” Every other student in your section, however, has reportedly spent the past few weeks in alternate bouts of depression/denial, so don’t worry: you’re doing just fine.

January 12, 2004
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