News

Job-Hunting Student Not Schizophrenic After All

(Cumnock Hall) University psychiatrists reported on Monday that, despite substantial job-hunting evidence to the contrary, RC student Robert Jaffray (NX) does not suffer from Schizophrenia. “First of all, it’s important to not confuse Schizophrenia with Multiple Personality Disorder,” said noted psychiatrist Vicki Kalder, PhD, “they aren’t the same thing at all; please do better research before calling me ever again. Secondly, we have kept the patient under close observation for a month now, and can conclusively give him a clean bill of mental health.”

Jaffray’s possible suffering of the psychological disorder was first brought to the attention of university mental health experts by his seat-neighbor: “In the week before the resume drop, I saw him write that he has ‘always had an extreme interest in, and feels a life-long calling to’ the banking, consulting, retail, petroleum, job bank test company, music, tobacco, health-care, hedge fund, non-profit, for-profit, purebred bovine breeding, and private equity industries. And this was all during a single class! I thought that clearly this was a sign of a horrible, terrifying personality disorder, and immediately sought help.”

“No, no, no!” insisted an exasperated Dr. Kalder, “This is not some sort of serious problem, but rather a new, relatively harmless condition known as ‘Not-Sponsored-itis’, a severe inflammation of panic in the face of unemployment and life-long student loan debt. We have treated the patient with a variety of anti-anxiety drugs, as well as a summer internship offer in the finance department of UHS. The patient has responded well to treatment, and no, we don’t have any other openings available, so please leave me alone.”

January 20, 2004