Hi! Thank you so much for taking time to meet with me! I have been looking forward to this. So, uh, is it cold enough for you? Wow! It’s Frigidelphia out there! As a matter of fact, I just drove over here from my igloo! Ha! Not really. Seriously, in this weather, ear muffs are not enough! I need a body muff! Heh. Er. Also, how about those Patriots?!
They sure won!
Sorry, I’m babbling. I’m just a little nervous. I really want this opportunity. Here, let me give you this … it’s the latest copy of my resume. My cell phone and email are on there, in case you have any more questions after the interview. Or, if you prefer, I can hover within earshot of you, and then you can just shout when you need something. Whatever is best for you.
Why do I want to be your Valentine? That’s a great question. I think you have differentiated yourself in three strategic ways that appeal to me. Let me speak about each one briefly.
First, your eyes are amazing. When I look into them, I feel like Jimmy Stewart on the staircase in Vertigo. This may help explain why I am sometimes stagger and clutch my head when I am around you.
Second, I like talking to you. We can converse for 30 minutes without once mentioning classes or career plans. This is remarkable, and I think with practice we could make it to an hour.
Third, you are a little bit weird. Thank God for that.
Why would I make a good Valentine for you? Another great question. Let me highlight three aspects of my background that would make me a good fit for you.
First, I remember important dates. Christmas and birthdays and anniversaries, of course. But you shouldn’t set the bar that low. I will also host mini-celebrations for you on other milestone dates: The day you graduated from college. The day you first heard Bon Jovi’s Slippery When Wet. Your First Wine Cooler Day. Wednesdays. And many others.
Second, I think you should look at my record. As a case study, let’s study my past accomplishments w/r/t past Valentines Days. Empirically, a number of things are true. Consumption of chocolate increased by 28%, and romantic gestures more than doubled. Touchingly poorly-written poetry flourished. Never once were desiccated red roses purchased in the grocery store on the way home from work.
Third, I have consistently tried to improve myself. I listen to stand-up comedy routines about men and adapt my behavior accordingly. For instance, I always lower the toilet seat. I say things like, “Honey, let’s just cuddle tonight.” And I always ask for directions, even when I know where I am going.
What are my greatest weaknesses? Hmmm, that’s a toughie. I guess I’d have to say two things. First, I am too generous. I tend to buy gifts for women that are grotesquely disproportionate to my meager budget. So, from a fiscal perspective, that could cause some concern.
Also, I listen too much. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in what a woman is saying that I forget what is going on in the world around me. This could cause problems. For instance, I might miss an important business meeting because I am too busy empathizing with your emotions. Look, I know this is hard to hear, but I’m just trying to be honest. I hope you won’t be scared away.
Listen, I know we’re out of time and that you’ve got a lot of other candidates waiting. Let me just finish by saying that I really appreciate your time and I think I would make a great Valentine, but if you decide to go with someone else, I would also be interested in being your St.
Patrick’s Day Love-Leprechaun or your Fourth of July Firework. Please keep me in mind.