(San Diego) RC student Joseph Rothbard, who accepted a Summer Associate position in United Bank of Finland’s San Diego office over the weekend, has no idea that the job was actually developed in the fiery pits of hell, Satan claimed Monday.
“Joseph thinks he just got his dream job,” Satan said. “But little does he know that Beelzebub and I wrote the Summer Associate job description when we were torturing fraudulent career counselors in one of the bolges of the eighth circle of Hades.”
With input from Lucifer, the hound Cerberus, and that evil Alabama Supreme Court Judge who refused to remove that 10 Commandments monument, “We’ve created a job that is based loosely on previous job descriptions we’ve written for Sisyphus and Tantalus,” Satan said, as he continued to build the tenth circle of hell just for Osama bin Laden.
“Just as Sisyphus pushes a boulder up a hill, only to have it roll back down, every time Joe finishes a comp or pitch book and thinks he’s gonna finally get a good night’s sleep, we’re gonna give him another five comps and pitch books to do, even if it’s 10pm on a Saturday night. Even if we know in advance that we won’t need them. Just to make sure that this happens, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands by becoming a UBF staffer.”
“The Tantalus thing comes in to play when we put Joe up in a nice apartment, pay him a bunch of money and then stop him from ever being able to enjoy it. Just like we’ve immersed Tantalus in water up to his neck and then recede it quickly when he tries to quench his insatiable thirst, we’ll make sure Joe never sleeps in his own bed, never gets to go on weekend trips to Seattle and San Francisco and, worst of all, never gets to go to an HBS summer happy hour.”
Satan believes that Joe will be miserable for twelve weeks and gain at least fifteen pounds from food becoming his sole source of enjoyment in his otherwise bleak existence.
“And best part about is, he’ll still accept the full-time offer the minute he gets it!”