From the Baltimore Sun, April 6th edition: “In this [Justice Department] field office in Washington, 32 prosecutors, investigators and a handful of FBI agents are spending millions of dollars to bring anti-obscenity cases to courthouses across the country for the first time in 10 years.”
To the people of America,
My name is John Ashcroft, and I am the Attorney General of the United States. I am writing you today to announce that, on my orders, the Justice Department has shifted its top priority from defending the nation against terrorism to prosecuting pornographers.
And rightfully so. While we do not intend to minimize the threat posed by terrorism and weapons of mass destruction, it is self-evident that the greater danger facing this nation is the silent epidemic of masturbation.
Why? It is very simple. Every ejaculation contains millions of sperm.
And every single sperm is a potential human being. Translation: Because of pornography, trillions of people are snuffed out of existence every day.
Some people would call this “genocide.” The comedian Bill Hicks once remarked that entire civilizations had been snuffed out in his gym sock.
This depravity can not be allowed to continue.
People must be stopped from looking at naked people and watching naked people having sex. It is a short leap indeed from the desire to watch sex to the desire to have sex yourself. This is problematic, because whereas masturbation involves one person acting dirty, sex involves two. Surely no one wants to see this problem double.
Friends, there is an unhealthy fixation on sex in our society. To be sure, sex for the purpose of procreation can be excused, though preferably not enjoyed. Two or three times in the course of a life should be plenty to get the job done.
I am not a na‹ve man. No doubt my liberal opponents will whine and moan, “Hey, Mr. Ashcroft, sex feels good! Isn’t it enough to do what feels good?” To them I say this: “Dear Hippies, the 60s are over. Take your Dead albums and unshaven legs and get the hell out of this country. Try France, where they will appreciate your narcissistic fervor. On the way out, leave your fingerprints with the FBI.”
But I do not mean to dwell unduly on the problem of sexual intercourse.
Because there is a larger issue at stake here, and that is nipples.
My anti-pornography initiative, The God-Hating Pornhound Act of 2004, contains a very important provision, which is worth discussing at length.
Specifically, the Act will criminalize nipples.
It is quite clear that the nipple represents the line between beauty and pornography. No nipple = beauty. Nipple = porn = depravity = terror.
For example, surely no one can question the patriotism of an American who reads the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Who would deny a stunning young woman the right to wear an eyepatch and display her supple, glistening body in the middle of a Jamaican village? The answer, of course, is no one.
As for the nipple-baring sluts of the world, the filthy Janet Jacksons scattered among us, I have a different message: You will spend the rest of your days in a small cell, where your exhibitionist freakery will not be tolerated. You may think that I am bluffing. After all, when I noticed the exposed breast of the statue of Lady Justice in my press room, I merely draped a cloth over it. I chose not to put the statue in jail. Is there a similar hope for you? No. The stakes have grown higher.
Nipple-exposers, you’re going up the river.
Finally, my fellow Americans, I would like to announce an exciting new strategic partnership. In waging our War on Pornography, we have forged an unprecedented alliance with a group of powerful friends who share our values and goals. It is with great pleasure that I announce our partnership with those defenders of the noble and true value of women: the Taliban and Al Qaeda.
Now, let us be clear about this: The U.S. government has not changed its policy on terrorism. We are against it. We will never endorse the killing of innocents. Nor will we cease our hunt for Osama Bin Laden.
However, just as corporations will sometimes cooperate in one marketplace and compete in another, the U.S. must not turn away willing partners when it finds them. The record of the Taliban and Al Qaeda on the subject of pornography is impeccable, and they share our belief that a
pornography-free world is a better one.
As a first step in our partnership, Al Qaeda has agreed to blow up Larry Flynt. We will have more exciting announcements in the weeks to come, but at this time, we must remain tightlipped. To do otherwise would jeopardize the lives of the brave men and women who are surfing the Internet right now, at great personal peril, to find the nation’s pornography. As a side note, we are not taking any more applications for these positions. The enormous response of selfless men and women, who are willing to serve their country in this way, has been heartening and overwhelming.
I ask your help in establishing a Zero Tolerance policy against nudie filth.
In fact, by the time you receive this letter, the phrase “nudie filth” will already have been banned. Together, we can win this war.