This Is Orgasmic

[Editor’s Note: Bob-a-Palooza is a regular column (though one of questionable literary value) chronicling the tale of the T.V. series, The Bachelor which is on ABC.]

Apparently word has gotten out about the new Harbus humor column. In Fact, Last Wednesday’s Red Sox game was pushed up from 8pm to 4pm to alleviate our conflict of interest. After heckling the lone Yankee fan in our bleacher section for Game 5, it is now time for us to harass others. Thank you Harbus Humor Gods.

Speaking of, did anyone else notice how great the Harbus was last week. . . particularly the Humor Section. While we thought we only brought our “B” game last week, the whole section was elevated by the absence of an article from our illustrious humor editor, whose tepid observations about HBS mundanity have had us snoring for weeks. Has anyone ever heard the phrase “addition by subtraction?” Thanks Omar–here’s an autographed Jack Guerrero rolling laptop bag for your parting gift.

[Editors Note: &*%$ off, guys. I’m cutting you’re asses next week.]

As promised, before we get into the meat of our column, we wanted to share a few fan mails from our vastly growing reader population. We may not get as many emails as Dmitry, but we did get a few quality ones:

* Jim Rogers wrote, “Did anyone else notice that there were no Russian women on this show? I did. . . and although the Russian government may want you to think differently. . . “

* We got this anonymous (from NB) response from another reader: “You guys are HOT!” At least we know we’re 1 for 1800 at HBS. So you’re saying we have a chance?

Now. . . on to this episode. We were looking forward to seeing Kelly Jo again about as much as we were looking forward to John Burkett starting Game 6. Let’s just say that Kelly Jo has had better moments. When Bob and Kelly Jo are having their one-on-one time on the couch, Casey made the observation of the evening: “Kelly Jo takes up almost the entire couch.” Needless to say the fat jokes rolled (pun intended) from there, although we couldn’t have scripted Kelly Jo’s lines any better. Kelly Jo tells Bob that she has a “serious side.” Yeah she does – her backside.

Then Kelly Jo mentions that she knows Bob has to cut a “large chunk of girls.” Actually, he could probably just cut her and that would take care of the “large chunk.” We know. We know. It’s too easy – we wish we were making this stuff up.

Let’s see – who else can we rip on? LeeAnn – yep, that’s the ticket. Is anyone else concerned that she’s teaching 2nd graders? Having made her mark so far by being totally aloof, this week she charms us with the following gems:

* “Orgasmic is the word that describes this experience.”

* “Are you concerned that I go home and I’m like ‘mega-bitch?”

* “Do I look like a weeping bitch?”
Yup, it’s teachers like her that helped us become the writers that we are today.

And then there was Antoinette, whose contribution to this week was the, er, bang up job she did straddling Bob in the pool. Now THAT is what we like to see. Better yet was her quote about the experience: “We were laughing and our eyes connected and I felt something.” Perhaps that “something” could have been related to the fact that she was straddling Bob, but we shouldn’t speculate.

Time to check the Sox score: Red Sox, 2 home runs. Bob, 3 bunt singles and a walk (we score straddling by Antoinette a walk.) Now really, Bob, does it have to be set it up on the tee for you to be able to hit the homer? They’ve been pitching you softballs all series! That being said, Bob did a solid job of kissing many of the ladies on the show. Indiscreetly so.

Indeed, one of them finally called him out on it, to which he responded, “I’m very kissy.” VERY KISSY?!? We’re hoping he didn’t realize the camera’s were rolling because we’re starting to lose all respect for him.

Not that we had much to begin with.
Speaking of respect, Estella deeply impressed us with: “I’ve kissed everyone on the show too.” Where were the cameras for that! Damn, that would make things interesting. Why does this show have to be on network t.v.? We think it would be much better on “Skinemax.”

Random Ramblings. . . Our Key Takeaways from Episode 3

* The first skin shots of girls dressing happened at 9:02 pm. These seem to be getting earlier and earlier each episode. Nice job ABC.

* Bob’s HBS Grade of the Week: Low 2. While he cut Antoinette and Misty (two of our favorites), he did redeem himself with keeping Estella around. She is definitely growing on us. Casey’s 2nd astute observation came at this moment, as he noted about Estella, “she’s mature.” It sure was great to see Casey make such deep character judgments after four one hour reality episodes.

* Our favorite Bob line came as he cut Misty, with “Thank you for being here.” If he would’ve only had a Casey and Kevin parting gift, say, perhaps a granola bar from an Aldrich mailbox, to give her. Now that would’ve been perfect.

* Quote of the week from Jenny after being cut-“I don’t do anything fake.” Perhaps it’s just us, but we would bet that 20 million viewers seemed to have noticed something that seemed quite fake about your appearance. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Or Those.

Until next time, we will be keeping ourselves busy by watching the premier of Joe Millionaire. “He’s riiiiicccchh.”

Continue to send us fanmail (no, we’re not desperate) at:[Editor’s Note: Yes, they are.]