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That Guy

The Harbus: So everyone asks who you are. Who are you?
TG: Allen-get a friggin’ clue, man. This thing is supposed to be anonymous. We talked about this, remember? Don’t they teach you anything in Section J besides how to chug beers at the Bus Stop?

The Harbus: I’m going to give you some comparisons. Which do you prefer and why:

A.) Cinemax or Showtime
TG: I assume you mean for “alternative” entertainment. For good ol’ fashioned T&A, nothing beats Skinemax. I must admit I don’t subscribe to either of them, so I’m forced to watch them “unscrambled” (you know, looking for random naked body parts amidst the sea of squiggles-usually ends up being something totally unrelated like two umbrellas really close together or something, but for that one moment you’re the man).

B.) Iraq or Section I
TG: This one is really tough. On the one hand, Iraq is a rogue nation, torturing its people and threatening the free world with weapons of mass destruction. But on the other hand, Section I really sucks.

C.) 3 Case Days or torture
TG: Actually, I don’t mind 3 case days so much. You can get through like 50 games of FreeCell in a single day, which is definitely cool.

The Harbus: Why are Americans so mean to Canadians?
TG: That’s a great question, Allen. After all, we’re really only being mean to ourselves. I guess I’ve never really understood why we don’t just annex them, given they depend on us for their entire political and economic survival. I guess the real reason we’re mean to them is that they sound like idiots when they say “about.”

The Harbus: How did you come up with the Name That Guy?
TG: It comes from a line in one of the greatest movies ever made-PCU. In a particularly memorable scene, Droz (Jeremy Piven) asks Gutter (John Favreau) if he is planning on wearing the shirt of the band that he’s going to see at the concert that night. He then advises him, “Don’t be that guy.” Given I am clearly dim-witted, politically incorrect and immature like PCU, I thought it was fitting.

The Harbus: Is there any chance you could be a woman?
TG: I am actually sexless. I transcend gender. I have all parts, and I have none of them. Just curious-why didn’t you ask me if I was more than one person? That’s the running theory, from what I’ve gathered.

The Harbus: If you could change HBS in any way, what would it be?
TG: I would replace all of the squirrels with really, really hot women. Wouldn’t that be great? Just imagine-you’re walking across Baker lawn, and a really hot babe scampers in front of you and runs up a tree. That would kick a$$.

The Harbus: What else could HBS stand for?
TG: I dunno…Hardly Been Studying? Harvard Beer Society? Hopeless Boston Sociopaths? Hate them Baker Scholars? Happy Birthday, Sphincter? I’m not very good with the little acronym game-way to “low brow” for my style.
The Harbus: Why did you pick HBS?
TG: I came to HBS because of the people-brilliant young minds from all over the world, united together to learn from one another and explore the mysteries and intrigue of the global economy. Also, I thought it could help me get really, really rich without doing a whole lot of work. So much for that (the rich part, I mean).

The Harbus: What’s the secret to life?
TG: If I knew that, I probably wouldn’t drink so much.

Editors Note: The views of That Guy do not reflect the opinions of The Harbus or Allen Narcisse since he is not That Guy.

April 7, 2003
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