My Best Advice to You is to Start Drinking

The moment you’ve all been waiting for. . . the Final Episode. . . our last hurrah.

In honor of the spam-filtering fiasco that developed this week at HBS–we have a great new idea! We should filter Omar’s columns on a weekly basis. HBS students should be able to just say “earmuffs” and not have his columns pollute their Harbus anymore. Thanks for the t-shirt theft story last week – it was fascinating. For the worst story in the history of the Harbus, we have our best parting gift ever for you: one of your own t-shirts that we stole. [Editor’s Note: But ou have to admit at least that you liked the capris sleeves.]

Because we realize that there may be two
of you on campus that haven’t been following our column religiously, we figured we would digest the season down to it’s key point. The moral of the story – hooking up/light petting is good. Both of our two finalists received 1’s in this category. Kelly Jo (hereafter referred to as KJ–you know it’s always a good thing if you’re a female to have your name associated with a male basketball player) was the first to kiss Bob and Estella let Bob cop a feel with this old line (that we’ve heard a million times), “feel my chest. . . my heart is pounding so hard.”

Our Five Forces analysis
No good HBS analysis would b complete without an homage to Porter. Thus, we did the following Five Forces for the KJ versus Estella war:

o Rivalry- Can anyone say cat fight? (Advantage: Estella. For some reason, when we think Estella – we think sleek cheetah, when we think KJ – we think wildebeest.)

o Barriers to Entry- Low. Anyone with a “great personality” and the willingness to pay (hookup) will do just fine on this show. Enough said. (Advantage: draw)

o Buyer Power – Bob has complete control. He can demand heavier petting. . . and he will receive. (Advantage: KJ – because from the outset she seemed more willing to hook-up)

o Supplier Power – parents. (Advantage: KJ. She gets the nod on the fact that her Mom mounted Bob.)

o Substitutes – both of the women are hurting because the Victoria’s Secret show is on CBS currently. (Advantage: Estella. After all, 90210 is her home town.)

So where does this leave us? Let’s go to the polls from our scientific poll of our fans. The results were:

o Kelly Jo: 21
o Estella: 1 (Nolan’s vote)
o Dmitry: 19

o Firefighter Shea: 30. Barhydt couldn’t remember the CAPM formula in his interview last week, but he certainly had no problem remembering the firefighter’s name. Here’s hoping that Bob calls an audible and brings her back.

o Paris Hilton: 2 million. Yet again, we digress – but how excited are we for the new Paris Hilton reality TV. show? Has anyone else seen the preview?

So there you have it, Vegas (and our fellow HBS classmates) put (s) Kelly Jo at a 10:2 favorite (know this doesn’t have to do with dress size). We (Casey especially) say(s) BS.

So on to the final episode. Bob brings Estella and KJ home to meet his family – clearly this limits the two women’s ability to “pull out all the stops” and “position themselves” in these settings – so we’re hoping they have no regrets. We knew this show would be sappy, but we had no idea it would be this bad. Thankfully we have a large bottle of Knob Creek
to ease the pain.

Random Ramblings. . . Our Key Takeaways from the Final Episode
1st date- Estella:
Estella early on states, “My hunch is that I have met my soul mate.” Yeah–we had the same hunch too when we saw Nicole Eggert in “Charles in Charge”. There really isn’t much to say here, Bob’s family loves Estella, his sister would kick our ass in a back alley, Bob’s Dad is also conveniently named “Bob.”

2nd date- KJ:
Because we have set the high standard of consistently ripping on KJ’s voluptuous lower half, we felt that our readers would be dismayed if we didn’t continue that tradition with our final column. Therefore, here is an entire section dedicated to KJ’s better half. In the “big” scheme of things, we must admit that KJ is not in bad shape, we just find this too funny to stop–and the moral of the story is that this whole column is about entertaining us. [Editor’s Note: I have empirical evidence that, infact, this colums did indeed entertain only you two.] So without further ado, here are a handful of rips that we could come up with from the show:

o Bob early on states, “I don’t think it’s going to be very difficult for my family to embrace Kelly Jo”- Yeah, assuming they do so from the waist up.

o Scene 1- KJ walks in with a sarong on. We notice that the Victoria’s Secret models are also wearing sarongs. And at last we understand the meaning of that SAT word we learned so many years ago: Juxtaposition.

The Final Rose Ceremony:
Surprisingly KJ is cut right away. Barhydt’s shocked. Nolan’s doing a Warren Sapp dance. Nolan got it right. We think he should go to Vegas real soon. Let’s hope he picks the Red Sox to win the World Series next year. KJ leaves us with this: “I feel so alone.” Yep–anyone else thinking about longing Haggen Daas’ stock? Because we don’t want KJ to walk away empty-handed, we have come up with the following parting gift: Here’s a pizza from the Spangler Grille. Cheer up. . . life is getting better – this year the pizzas are round. . . last year they were rectangular.

Estella WINS!!! Estella WINS!!! Moral of the story–like always, 2nd base is always better than 1st. From day one, Estella’s slugging percentage was higher than KJ’s. We must give props (we always wanted to use that word in a column) to Bob for pulling the right hand trick (right up there with the popcorn trick in the movie theater)–he didn’t commit. We admire you for that Bob. Way to take something away from FIN2 and properly value your options.

Clutch Performance of the Week
Goes to Nolan who saved the day by pouring us Knob Creek whenever the show got slow (often) and, more importantly, for bringing down the small TV so that we could watch “The Bachelor” on it while watching the Victoria’s Secret fashion show simultaneously muted on the big screen. Now that was a clutch performance.

HBS Grade of the Week
2. Thankfully for “The Bachelor”, “Joe Millionaire 2” has dropped in quality, so relatively speaking this show was o.k. You can basically think of this as participation in the Social Enterprise Course–the quality around you has dropped, so it’s bound to make you look better.

So there it is. Our last column. Order the Pulitzer Prize now. It’s been real. . .

Would you love to see us continue the column, jump off a building, etc. . . . send us fanmail at

December 1, 2003
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