(Aldrich) Section Chairs recently met with their RC sections to discuss “Hitting the Screen”, a process in which students are cordially disinvited from returning to school for a second year. The chairs began by asking the assembled students how many of their fellow section-mates would probably not return next year to which most students guessed one. The section chairs then gleefully informed the students that the actual number is more like five! The purpose of this draconian declaration was to “motivate any struggling RC students to get the help they need in time to prepare for finals.” Struggling RC students were certainly motivated by the speech, but perhaps not in the intended way. “Ever since I heard that my chances of flunking out are 5 times higher than I thought, I’ve certainly been more motivated: motivated to drink myself into a peaceful, warm oblivion every single night,” said one RC student, whose words were starting to slur, “I mean, it’s bad enough that Citibank sends out these ominous interest-payment bills each month, and that career services has basically told me I’ll never get a good job never ever in a billion years, but now I gotta worry about not even gettin’ asked back to case-hell central after all I went through to come here and hey, whatter you lookin’ at, tough-guy?” The Section Chair speech has also greatly motivated the student to complain bitterly to his parents every night, and to hit his head repeatedly against his dorm-room desk.
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