FBI Foils Plot to Kick Sushi Club Founders' Butts

(Spangler Parking Lot) Federal authorities said Monday they arrested three people and foiled a campus-wide plot to kick the crap out of the Sushi Club founders.

The three people arrested are purported to be Kipper Logan, VP of Recruiting for the Wine & Cuisine Society, “Hoot” Thompson, an unaffiliated EC student and Gabriel Evans, a bartender at Shays.

Logan is alleged to be the mastermind behind the scheme. While his motivations have not been confirmed, he supposedly hatched the plot once he started to see a dramatic drop in Wine & Cuisine club participation. He attributed the decline to “students opting to be pretentious with the Sushi Club instead.”

In early November he was overheard saying “The school can only handle so many of these kinds clubs until everyone’s membership suffers.”

Things got so bad for the W&C Society that they had to sponsor a Sam
Adams Brewery Tour on November 21st just to get people interested in the club again. “The problem with the brewery tour,” said HBS Club authority Jackson Bomasuto, “is that it doesn’t seem to fit well with a ‘Wine & Cuisine’ image. What’s next, a keg party with ribs and chips?”

Logan recruited “Hoot” Thompson, every student’s favorite guy with the nickname “Hoot” besides that guy in Black Hawk Down, after he heard him complaining about the “resume padding” that goes on at HBS.

According to an unnamed source who heard Thompson’s “I’m sick of all these bull s&#t clubs” diatribe, “the funny thing was that Hoot wasn’t even talking about the Sushi Club.”

“He was actually talking about that Eastern European business/film club and the HBS Democrats Club, which, as far as Hoot was concerned, were founded solely to allow students to get resume credit for watching Polish films and Chris Matthew’s Hardball.”

“Logan must have been able to focus Thompson’s ire on the Sushi Club because three days later, I heard him saying ‘Hey, I like to eat Chunky Monkey and Makin’ Whoopie Pie ice cream. Anyone want to form a Makin’ Whoopie with a Chunky Monkey Club?”

Evans, a charismatic bartender at Shays, a popular hangout for HBS students, rounded out the trio for “no apparent reason.” According to FBI Agent Caitlin Murphy, “we figure that he holds no real animosity towards the Sushi Club, but that he’s simply a bartender and didn’t have anything better to do that night.”

The arrests were made in the Spangler parking lot at 8:30pm Sunday night, just a half-an-hour before the Sushi Club’s “Sashimi Bash” event at Gyuhama, “Back Bay’s most popular Japanese restaurant” according to Citysearch.

While the Sushi Club was able to eat its feast in peace, the founders of the club are still in danger.

“More arrests are possible,” announced FBI head Robert Meuller as he read a prepared statement to the press. “We’re the FBI. We’ve probably missed a bunch of people who still want to kick the Sushi Club founders’ butts. There has to be more of them.”

December 8, 2003
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