News

Bush Drops H-Bomb on Kim Jong-Il; N. Korea Ends Nuclear Program

(Washington, D.C.) Fearing a potential massive loss of American lives if global diplomacy continues to remain ineffective at resolving the crisis over North Korea’s nuclear weapons program, United Sates President George W. Bush made the fateful decision last night to drop the H-Bomb on North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. Once Kim confirmed that Bush actually graduated from HBS, he immediately ordered the dismantling of North Korea’s nuclear program.

According to a White House spokesman, “Last night at 11:02 pm EST, President Bush dialed Kim Jong-Il’s phone number. Unfortunately, he didn’t have enough money on his pre-paid Asia calling card so the call didn’t go through.” After a quick trip to a 7-11, Bush was back on the phone and at “11:23 pm EST, Bush finally reached Kim.”
President Bush explained his historic conversation.

“I said to him, ‘Il, this is Bush, the President of the United States.’ He told me he was busy watching Newlyweds on MTV and asked if I could call back later. I told him ‘Listen here Il, this is gonna be quick. This whole Six Nations thing isn’t working. I’ve got a better idea to solve this problem.’ Before ol’ Il could respond, I dropped the bomb and said, ‘When I was at Harvard Business School, we studied a similar problem in our BGIE class…’

“Before I could continue, Il was like ‘You went to HBS?’ And I was like, ‘Yup, class of 1975.’ Then there was dead silence. After a good minute, Il asked if he could call me back. I think he went to check if I really went to HBS.”

According to sources in Pyongyang, Kim did go to check if Bush went to HBS. Distrustful of news articles, Kim wanted to go straight to the source of HBS graduation records – HBS itself. Kim reportedly asked his personal guard to go down to his dungeon and “get him one of those MIT guys [North Korea] has kidnapped over the years.” The engineer then alledgedly broke into HBS’s Alumni Advisors database. Minutes later theprisoner from MIT guy pulled up Bush’s classcard and there is was: “Class of 1975. Occupation: President of the United States of America.”

It was then that Kim called Bush back and told him that he was “sorry about this whole nuclear thing” and that his country would “immediately desist from developing any weapons of mass destruction.” Sources claim that Kim felt it was better to stop his program now than try to match wits with an HBS grad. According to a member of North Korea’s foreign ministry, “Our great leader Kim Jong-Il used to think Bush was a ‘dope,’ but once he found he went to HBS, Kim figured Bush had to be a lot smarter than he because ‘nobody gets in to HBS just because he comes from an important family. He must have had great undergraduate grades and years of impressive work experience.”

The United Nations and France where outraged at Bush’s decision to drop the H-Bomb. “President Bush should have consulted the U.N. Security Council,” said an angry Jacque Chirac, President of France. “Even though Bush was successful in disarming North Korea, there is no justification for a unilateral decision to drop such an obnoxious bit of information about oneself.” U.N. Secretary General Kofi Anan agrees. “Bush’s decision threatens the viability of the U.N. as a standalone organization. It also threatens to turn global diplomacy into Spring Break in Costa Rica where H-Bombs are dropped right and left.”

Political analyst and H-Bomb expert Greg Rebuck agrees that Bush should have sought out global support for his important decision, but disagrees that the success of Bush’s bombing campaign is going to start a wave of H-Bombs being dropped on the international political arena. “Seven presidents have graduated from at least one school at Harvard and the H-Bomb, to my knowledge, has only been dropped once before,” said Rebuck.

“And President John F. Kennedy didn’t even use it to influence a global political decision. He merely used it to pick up a German waitress after his ‘Ich bin ein Berliner’ speech in 1963.”

October 14, 2003
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