While many of our classmates were anxiously awaiting the start of company presentations, we were holding our breath for the premier of “The Bachelor.” We don’t know about you, but we would much rather hear 25 women tell us why they are perfect, than hear 25 companies tell us why they’re not hiring.
For the past year, we’ve sat around watching as much reality TV as we could get our hands on–please reserve the comments about us not having lives ’til later. Yes, we know that these shows are targeted toward women, but we love them. Why you ask? Well, as Bill Simmons (ESPN.com’s “The Sports Guy”) would suggest: the “unintentional comedy factor” is off the charts. (BTW– if you don’t know who Bill Simmons is, “you better aks sumbudy”–he may be the best columnist of our generation). These reality shows aren’t necessarily trying to be funny, but with the subject matter involved it’s impossible not to be. Hence, the “unintentional comedy factor.”
Since we found so much humor talking about it, we felt others may feel the same (about us talking about it, that is). We therefore approached our illustrious “Humor Editor” about writing the column. He came back with this resounding endorsement: “I love the concept, but execution will be key.” Rough translation: good idea, but you guys aren’t funny so I’ll let you try this once and then when you fail miserably, I’ll fire you from this volunteer job. (Editor’s note: You guys still are not funny, but now that you called me out, my hands are tied. B**t*rds.)
So here is our plan: we will provide a play-by-play commentary on “The Bachelor”. If we’re borderline funny, then we may continue this for other reality shows as the year goes on (read: we are willing to skip company dinners for the upcoming “Joe Millionaire” premier). Warning: we may insult people in this column. We’ll try not to, but if you are one of those people that gets offended by. . . (insert obscene example here), we suggest you stick with the earth-shattering five year–old “Guide to Recruiting” section of this paper.)
Without further ado: Random Ramblings. . . Our “Key Takeaways” from “The Bachelor” Episode 1
Firsty, pure genius that they turned this into a two-hour “premier.” Aside from gaining extra advertising revenue, there was no reason for this show to be two hours. (Yes, we tuned in for the whole thing and are in desperate need of Tivo.) The first hour was filled with a bunch of b.s., however there were a ton of gratuitous skin shots. . . and you know what’s wrong with that?. . . not a damn thing. We love that people actually volunteer to subject themselves to this.
Moreover, HBS Career Services has it all wrong. Most people here focus on management consulting, i-banking, VC/PE or brand management.
Based on the “talent” in “The Bachelor” any single male on this campus would be wise to shift careers to pharmaceutical sales, teaching or dancing.
Furthermore, Looking at the profiles of the bachelorettes on “The Bachelor” website, we have come to the conclusion that this is almost as much fun as HBS classcard searching. Let us present you with some of our favorites:
o Misty: Our take – she has to be an exotic dancer. Our proof? A) Her name is Misty; B) Here’s what she lists as what she is most proud of: “My cheerleading, tumbling and dancing abilities.” Enough said.
o Leanne: She lists her attributes as: “feminine, athletic and witty.” We’re glad to see that she’s “feminine,” because this show would be a lot different if she were “masculine.”
o Samantha (Twin #1): She was most proud of “my ability to tie a cherry stem in a knot in my mouth.” This we can appreciate. If she would’ve done this on the show, she would have made it to the next episode.
o Leona (Twin #2): She lists her hobbies as: “I love to clean, read, run, sit in the bathtub and catch-up with my twin sister.” Again, if she would’ve done this on the show, they both would’ve made it to the next episode.
(Side note: the twins concept was really great, but the execution was horrendous. Are you telling us that these were the two best looking twins you could find? Come on ABC, you’re better than that!)
o Finally, Moral of the story: Hooking-up is a career advancing move. Case in point: Kelly Jo (note to self–when naming my first child, stick with one name–this had to be painful for her in elementary school) out of nowhere leaned in and kissed Bob. She made the cut, even though her attractiveness was questionable. Christine on the other hand, decided to announce (on national t.v. mind you) her intent to stay a virgin until marriage. She was cut. Everyone else was bearing all, Christine, you should’ve too. Here’s a nice autographed Dmitry bank statement as your parting gift. Thanks for playing.
Quote [note–this may not be the exact quote, so hopefully we won’t get taken to Community Standards for it] of the week came from Lindsay K: “He can be the biscuit and I’ll be his honey and he can sop me up.” Is this woman available to be our Class Day speaker?
Bob’s bonehead move of the week? Cutting Shea (hairdresser by day, firefighter by night–how could you possibly do that?) Let’s recap her two main scenes on the show:
1) Shea sliding down the fire pole.
2) Shea wearing a bright red dress that showed off her, umm, “attributes.”
Need we say more? We loved you Shea
. . . keep on truckin’. Good stuff.
At the end of the show, they gave us a teaser about what to look forward to for the rest of this semester (uh. . . we mean season):
o Someone going to the hospital–is this for real?
o Cat fights–nough said.
o Bob in compromising positions with every bachelorette–nough said.
Yep. . . we think we’ll have enough material.
Questions, comments, fan mail, harassments –e-mail us at: email@example.com (yes, this is a real address)