Aries (March 21-April 19)
The Federal Reserve will offer to make your dorm room a satellite facility after you put $20 in the Spangler stamp machine and receive as change the entire world’s supply of Sacagawea dollar coins.
Taurus (April. 20-May 20)
Willy Wonka will place a Golden Ticket in your Aldrich mailbox, but unfortunately for you it will be hidden between the giant Bain envelope and The Rock advertisement which you will immediately discard along with the other ream of promotional material you pull out. The upside, however, is you manage to save the Dining In guide.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Considering you have as much control over yourself as you do the heat in your SFP apartment, it should come as no surprise to you when a group of no-neck Massholes pummels you outside the Hong Kong this week.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
It’s time to start climbing the ladder of success. Yours happens to be a footstool, however.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
After being jailed for tax evasion, “section love” will take on a whole new meaning for you when you meet your new cellmates Biff and Snake.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Early to bed, and early to rise, and you can assure yourself of continued chastity.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Your nightmare involving a margarine factory, Taran Swan, former Lions coach Wayne Fontes, and a Mckinsey consultant rambling about incentives can best be explained by the fact that you are a complete freak.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
The common man complains when he receives all 3’s. The clever man speaks about his 3.0 grade point average at Harvard.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You won’t just flub that cold call in LEAD; the professor actually bitch-slaps you upside the head.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You will think it quite ironic that your last thought is about the bear market when a bear mauls you in the Maine woods while camping this month.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You will receive a package from an unknown source this month containing incontrovertible proof of the existence of Prof. Michael Porter.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The alignment of Venus and Uranus in your sign means absolutely nothing other than providing me with a legitimate reason to say “Uranus.”
The Magic 8 Ball is a Miss Cleo certified astrologer and featured columnist in the Harbus. He and his posse can often be consulted in the Spangler Grille.