Section E Goes to Mars

Washington, DC (sometime in the future) – In a whirlwind of fire and smoke, President Phelps Jackson’s pivotal Aerospace Subsidy Program had its first public victory today with the launch of Abdelal I. “Abbie,” as the luxury rocket is known to its Boeing developers, is the world’s first interplanetary transportation system. It’s first destination: Mars. As President Jackson watched “Abbie” hurtle into space loaded with most of his sectionmates from his days at Harvard Business School, he said, “This is proof that government subsidies of the private aerospace industry can result in breakthroughs!”

Once on board the rocket, President Jackson’s friends will be faced with several challenges on their way to Mars. Chief among these concerns is the limited supply of oxygen. Each passenger was given an oxygen ration to make the 1-year journey. An inside source confided that he was concerned passenger and GE Brazil chief Alex DeAraujo would be unable to remain within his rationed “airtime.” It was not made clear how the remaining passengers would deal with DeAraujo if he continued to exceed his ration.

Beyond the basic necessities of life, passengers will also need to overcome the inherent challenge of spending every waking moment with each other for the next year. It is no secret that several feuds have been continuing for years among the passenger group. Readers will likely recall the famous BP vs. Shell hostility between Hanna Hofer and Caroline Preston in early 2006. This of course, was barely a small disagreement when compared to the frequent and public battles between Social Activist Kate Whittington and U.S. Trade Representative Brian Haufrect. As anyone who hasn’t been on Mars knows, Whittington has publicly stated that she will be sure Haufrect never makes it inside a WTO meeting.

Only two of President Jackson’s classmates were unable to join the trip on Abdelal I. Philanthropist Bradley Weill forfeited his place on “Abbie” with the simple response to Jackson’s invitation, “I Pass.” Also, Nate Kring was unable to attend as he has been committed to a military mental hospital. You may recall that the former Naval Admiral was committed after repeatedly sailing his ship within 12 miles of hostile territories and “mooning” enemy forces.

It is unclear what the Abbie Mission aims to accomplish, other than to simply be the first mission to send civilians to Mars. Ultimately the results of the Abbie Mission won’t be known for some time, but to the members of Section E we can only wish godspeed.