News

OD Squeezes OJ, Tastes Victory Yet Again

ALLSTON (OD Press)- In a brilliant display of technical excellence, the likes of which had not been seen since The Beer Game, OD dismantled the OJ soccer side with a 7-2 win last week. Though scouting reports had OJ’s defense keying on IM soccer goal scoring leader Peter “Stoichkov” Velikin, OD showed that it’s more than a one-trick pony (but not quite a donkey show) by unleashing the mighty force of Dan “Third Degree” Burns. Burns burned OJ today for four goals; goalies shouldn’t, wouldn’t, and couldn’t stop or drop Dan’s dandies. Stepping up to support OD’s O was OD’s D, anchored in the goal by Derek “Where’s my Slayer T-shirt” Mendez and ably assisted by a rotation of Brendan “Ice Luge” McGeever, Stephanie “Pride of Libertyville” Chamberlain, Andre “The Giant” Silva, Ray “Never Ruirong” Yang, Martin “Alpaca Breath” Aspillaga, and Morio “Scorio” Alexander. Adding goals for the Dark Side were Alexander, Silva, and Velikin.

At the post-game press conference, OD Man of the Match Dan Burns thanked his teammates for the victory. “This was definitely a team win for OD today – I couldn’t have scored those four goals without help from each and every one of my team’s players.” When asked about the quality of the opposition, Burns had the following to say: “This was definitely a team loss for OJ today – I couldn’t have scored those four goals without help from each and every one of their team’s players.” Burns also had two assists and got in a halftime shoving match with team manager Asis Martinez-Jerez, demanding, “I want a new contract!”
Play of the game:

OD’s “The Wizard of” Moz Hussain was home sleeping off a hangover, missing all of his classes and the mid-afternoon game, but somehow managed to roll over and hit the snooze bar one more time shortly before halftime. Distracted by this sudden disturbance in the force, OJ’s defenders hesitated for just a split second. This allowed a blindfolded Dan Burns to be led through the defense by two gorgeous supermodels (from section OD, of course) and put in position to receive a bicycle kick pass from Martin Aspillaga. Burns (still blindfolded) had time to stop and tie his shoelaces before hearing the ball come his way and striking backwards with his foot – scoring another easy goal on OJ…and there was much rejoice.

October 7, 2002
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