We would like to take this opportunity to announce our joint candidacy for SA Co-President.
Our plan for the upcoming year is simple: lots and lots of subsidized debauchery. You may think we are pursuing this because we are desperate for women, but this is not the case. We actually get all the ladies we want in our shag pad in SFP (Building 1, Apartment 717 if you’re interested in viewing the facilities,” wink wink). Rather, we believe that the spirit of the HBS student body has been worn down by exogenous factors such as networked job searches and Negotiations polls in deciles. It is time to restore that fighting spirit.
We ask the question – who do you think about ten years after graduation: the Baker Scholar to your left, or the guy on your right that reeks of cigars and booze at 10AM? Of course it is the latter, either because you lived vicariously through his stories for a term in section or because he vomited on your meticulous Finance writeup. We’ve lost our way, frankly, and we need to be reminded why we are here: a two year vacation from work, commitment, and personal finances! The time is now to act immature!
That’s why, if elected, you will see immediate changes under our administration. The time has come for immediate tuition relief. We will work to enact an across-the-board 30% cut in tuition fees, in order to return some of your hard earned Prime + 25 money to your entertainment budget. To spur investment in your leisure, we also propose a 25% Quickpay investment credit. Forward-looking decisions such as these will hopefully return us to confidence.
We also propose an aggressive capital spending campaign to stimulate debauchery on campus. All Aldrich classrooms will be equipped with a fully-stocked bar supplying all the beer and weed you want. Don’t drink or smoke? Check out our new arcade in Hawes Hall, which will include some of your favorite virtual reality games. You’ve heard of Fowler Hall? Does anyone actually know what goes on in Fowler Hall? Neither do we. That’s why, if elected, Fowler will be converted into a massage parlor. Ludcke Hall is next on our list. We frankly never heard of Ludcke Hall before yesterday, but we do have to fit in the steakhouse somewhere.
How can we hope to afford these improvements? Deficit spending, my friends, deficit spending. We believe our model is so elegant it would make Keynes weep. Our legacy to HBS will be the sea of red ink we leave in our happy-go-lucky wake. Let the future generations with their fancy booming economies pay for our suffering. We do have some revenue-generating ideas, such as the remodeled Spangler Casino in the depressing first-floor space currently jammed with study groups and laptops. Just like sports stadiums these days, we also hope to sell the naming rights of many campus locations including the Goldman Sachs beach at Baker Library and the McKinsey Grille. We also hear that steel minimills are all the rage these days. Perhaps we can deploy some of the displaced academic workers to this new facility off Western Ave. It will also make a great classroom laboratory for TOM so no one ever has to assemble light boards again.
It’s Manifest Destiny, dammit. We will scour every corner of this campus spreading our gospel of orgy. It’s our divine right as the HBS student body. We need to seize the day!
The wheels of graft have already been greased. We just need your vote on March 1st. Due to some technical errors you may not see our name on the ballot. Just remember, Wilmsford-Peters means What a Party!