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Cover Letter Workshop

It’s already time to write our cover letters. Of course, you want to distinguish yourself from your fellow classmates, and of course you know that if you follow Career Services advice, you’ll just end-up with the same cover letter as everyone else.

So be bold ! Innovate !

To help get you started, here is a cover letter that I used last year. I hope you’ll find it convenient and differentiating.

Best,
Lula Vandelay

name has been changed to protect the innocent still looking for work. [Ed Note: This was not written by the Humor Editor either!)

Dear Mr. or Mrs. HR Person:
Please accept this letter as my worthless application for a full-time position in your boring, money-grubbing organization. I believe that you will find me very distinguishable from my highly-ambitious and qualified peers at this highly-renowned Eastern-U.S. business school, and I am assured that you will place me in a less than adequate role that is poorly aligned with my experience, skills and beliefs.

I have accomplished many completely insignificant things in my life, and therefore seek the position of Total Slacker in your organization. I am interested only in a salary above $100,000 and will work anywhere pretty in the world where the food is rich and varied, and where the wine and small talk flow abundantly. A view of the countryside, magnificent architecture, or waves crashing against a sandy, sun-drenched beach is also desirable. I require a very comfortable, plush office with a door that locks and a queen-size sleeper sofa. I also require a very diligent housekeeping service as I will, on most days, complete the previous night’s sleep during the first two hours of the day, take a power nap immediately after a leisurely lunch, and lie down to read a novel or watch a DVD after I become bored to tears by late afternoon.

My strongest interpersonal skill is an ability to flirt shamelessly with handsome, financially-comfortable males that seek a stay-at-home wife. Therefore, I would probably be most successful in a consulting role where I can cycle through more of them quickly in order to leave your organization as soon as possible so I can sleep for the whole day instead of just intermittently. It will be in your best interest to bring the clients to my office because I hate to wear shoes (clothes, for that matter) and I am chronically late. Aside from sucking up to clients with high marriage-potential, you will find me to be very adept at being rude to everyone else. I have honed a very unique, hands-off management style based on the philosophy that all people are incompetent and should be left to their own destructive devices.

Regarding the manner in which I hope my management team will interact with me, I can only say that I hope never to meet them. I wish to be left alone to think up very creative ideas that will circle delightfully around the quiet inner depths of my mind until the first Monday of every month when I will spend 2 hours, before getting my daily massage and pedicure, telling the rest of the organization to continue doing exactly what they are doing because it pays my Saks Fifth Avenue bills. I will spend the rest of the time peacefully vesting in the vast quantity of stock options that I require in order to join your firm.

I appreciate your consideration of my application and would like to tell you that it is about time you hired someone with my profile instead of all of the people that come there interrupting the peaceful, inefficient ways of doing things by introducing unneeded changes simply because they are trying to prove that they are smart. Hire me BECAUSE I’m not smart and arrogant, and you will save a lot of money in 3 ways. First, you won’t have to hire and fire people simply because new managers can’t work with them. Second, you won’t have to make infrastructure or process changes just because people are seeking a pat on the back and something to put on their resumes. And finally, you will save a lot of money in R&D, marketing and sales if you follow my proposals not to pursue new markets or introduce new products – strategies which are only necessary today because savvy consumers figured out that they have the power to make you work harder because you gave them choices to begin with. Don’t you get it? One day, with my visionary leadership, corporations will see that if they would only stop innovating, consumers would just buckle down and buy whatever limited choices ALREADY exist and they will be stuck paying HIGH PRICES. I figured that out during my last manicure when trying to decide what color of polish to choose. If you hire me, I promise to continue contributing important ideas like these (but only for 2 hours each month). I look forward to meeting you soon at my convenience.

October 15, 2002
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