Breaking News

Capitulating to dissent from several student groups, a toga-clad Dean W. Carl Kester officially announced today that the outcome of the Class of 2003 Section Olympics, rather than Michael Porter’s Alphabetical Selection Method, will determine which section is eliminated for next year’s incoming class.

“Friends, Romans, Countrymen: Based on public response to our ten-section reorganization plan, we realized our initial strategy may be perceived as inequitable and a possible violation of the HBS community standards policy. To select an eliminated section based solely on the criteria of alphabetical order, while expeditious, was not in the best interests of the school at this time.

“Therefore, we have decided to eliminate a section based on more objective criteria: athletic, creative, and intellectual merit. Let this message go forth to all the hinterlands: the ultimate loser of the Section Olympic competition will be destroyed! All sections must fight for glory! Last place will be eliminated!

“And also: they can’t take away my freedom!” Pausing only to adjust his olive branch crown, Dean Kester then pumped his fist and slayed a white tiger for effect.

Reaction to the impromptu press conference was mixed. “Looks like those crybabies from Section K got a temporary reprieve,” commented one student who refused to be identified. “Also, was Dean Kester wearing any shorts under his toga?”

Another student, identified only as K, believed the competition ensured a fair settlement to the section crisis. “By eliminating judgmental bias [alphabetical selection] from the process, Dean Kester and the administration are ensuring a fair outcome for not only the Class of 2003 but for all future students as well. If a section cannot compete on basic skills, then they should logically recognize the need to exit the marketplace.”

NI has been installed as a 3:2 favorite to win the Olympic gold, while most Vegas sportsbooks are listing NE and NK as 3:1 odds for elimination.

Dean Kim Clark was unavailable for comment.