The Last Scoop from Aldrich 107

Let’s get right to it:

OUR LEAD ITEM: Though the column is being written before the big Section A auction, we’ll assume that it went swimmingly, with the high bid going for Mr. BGIE himself. (Points to any who catch the sly Sex & the City reference.)

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: So THAT’S how they teach at MIT…no wonder those Sloan kids are so flush with promise. (Please remember we kid because we care.)

QUESTION OF THE WEEK: Was there something the matter with “rooster”?

ROBBERY OF THE WEEK: Section A A-League hoops. We all know who the REAL champs are. Favorite chant line: “Hey there, New I, how is LEAD? We hear you’re all getting 3s!” Thanks to all the fans for the support.

SECTION SUPERLATIVES: Harkening back to our glorious high school days, presenting an end-of-the-year treat-Section A Superlatives, representing the best, brightest, and buffoonest of the Year of Being A. Please remember we kid because we care, and if I didn’t mention anyone it wasn’t intentional. You all got yours at Holidazzle, anyway:
o Most likely to name his children after section- mates: Jeff Street
o Stiffest accent: Jeb “Awhl” Jones
o Most likely to structure refinancing of the Joffrey
Ballet: Emily Love
o Most likely to write his own BGIE case about how he took down
some obscure currency: Rob Alloway
o Most likely to save that currency: Elsa Wentling
o Most likely to restructure the political
environment of the country of that currency:
Alex Nyhan
o Most likely to be The Man of that
country: George Osawaye
o Most likely to be The Woman advising
The Man: Katie Cousins
o Most likely to be chuckling at the whole
thing: Rawi Abdelal
o Most likely to patent the
self-maintained head massage: Bereket Selassie
o Most likely to write the book
“How to Make Good, Even as a
Philosophy Major:” Taylor Hinshaw
o Most likely to never have to be told to
“Quiet down!”: Susan Chen
o Best dressed: Isaac Ciechanover
o Most likely to have an unseemly ending
to a formal: Dan Shanoff
o Best command of vowels: “Ah-maaaaaay-zing” :
Ana Fernandes
o Best song parody: “Hou Let the Dogs Out,”
in honor of Houman Fardin
o Cutest couple: The LaVoy-Love Connection
o Next most cutest? (tie) Bereket-Filpo;
Eduardo-Joaquin; uh,
o Most chatty: Helen Kautsky
o Best selection of pashminas: Elsa Kandelman
o Most likely to say, “The rest of the class
won’t get this, so:” Claude London
o Best classroom game: (tie) Term 1
seat-switch; A-to-Z day
o Best section event: (tie) Term 1 party
at Ken-dall’s; Alex’s party
o Most athletic: Mike Downes
o Quickest with a quip: Stephen Johnston
o Most likely to mention the company
he started: Anthony Chang
o Most likely to be doing something kind
of unsavory at his seat: Aman Kapadia
o Luckiest in loooovvvve, Term 2: Tomas Morales
o Most likely to not kill you for saying he’s
killed people: Phil Black
o Best speeches: Ken Mendiwelson
o Most clutch at producing some
numbers: (tie) Hema; Timko; Rajesh; Munazah
o Most mellifluous voice: Rob Zeaske
o Most distinctive voice: Lena Haas
o Most soothing voice: Michael Polay
o Most likely to have at least two points:
Hashim Gillani
o Most clutch in-class game-player: Ken Davidson
o Worst injury: Brian “No Fear” Miller
o Cutest giggle: Connie Zhang
o Most likely to be a TOM Scholar: Carolyn Bockius
o Most likely to replace GAAP with a new
accounting standard: Marj Lao
o Most likely to date a prospective: Mike Dobbs
o Most marriage ready: Where to start? Steve
Ko; Steve Swartz; Dann
Angeloff; EJ “EG” Whelan; Sean Gass;
Carola Leite
o Most likely to take your cold
call: (tie) Ricky Ayers; Dan Rice
o Best dancer: Helena Geng
o Most likely to blow her nose: Lauren Kraft
o Most likely to spend an evening in drag: Sean Gass
o Most ready to run the HBS social
circuit: Marci Walner
o Biggest patriot: George The Man
o Most hat tricks: Arvind Narayana
o Second place: Michelle Dietz
o Most feared role-play counterpart: Jon Tower
o Most impressive strides made in classroom
participation: Cindy Chi
o Seems to be having the most fun: Bill Connell
o Best analogies: Patrick Chung
o Most likely to implement TPS: Eric Christensen
o Least likely to return to the Peace Corps
following HBS: Amy Cogan
o Most likely to engage in soliloquy: Fernando Torres
o Most likely to grossly overpay for trendy
handbags: Nadine Haj-Hasan
o Most likely to challenge his EC classmates
with the tough question: Stanley Omosa
o Most likely to run a country: Eduardo Acuna
(Western Hemisphere); James Lee
(Eastern Hemisphere)
o Most likely to run Cisco: Rich Appiah
o Most likely to run an investment fund: Kelly Granat
o Most likely to run J. Walter Thompson: Deb Huret
o Most likely to run the Fed: Josh Weisbrod
o Most likely to run a marathon: Gretchen Engster
o Most likely to run to the bathroom: Victor Ho
o Most likely to run game theory scenarios
in class: Benji Gigot
THE LAST WORD: Damn, guys, was it just a quick eight months ago when we walked into Aldrich 107, greeted each other-some Foundations friends, some new friends, and a whole lot of randoms-and took a cue from our fearless Section Chair to start meeting each other. Whatever else she said, her big takeaway-that we are all ass-kickers in our own way, and that we’ll all end up learning from each other in at least some way-has proven more true than we could have ever guessed. Every case led to the emergence of another expert-sometimes predictable, sometimes unexpected. Every class session led to an A-er or two unpredictably stepping up-with a killer comment, with a clever line, even sometimes with the obvious (greeted with the trademark Section A Clap for the Master of the Obvious). Forget The Chicken and norms of Section As past; we made our own rules and stuck to them (most of us, at least), and we had a great year in the classroom because of it. From sky deck to worm deck, from the year’s first cold call to its last (any volunteers?), here’s hoping that everyone appreciates the unique nature of what we just went through-and I’m talking about relative to the other sections of our cohort, not just in general-and the memories from it keep us laughing and learning together for a long time.

Assassin Report
by Patrick Chung, NA

Section A’s springtime friskiness has been brought to a feverish pitch in this term’s ongoing live-tale of trickery and triumph, vendetta and vindication. Forty assassins have looked, frankly, like asses-packing plastic squirt guns, ducking around corners, giving chase in the tunnels for a chance to outlive the rest, kill the most, break the monotony that seizes second semester.

For those of you wondering why “Only the Paranoid Survive” has become our Section mantra, let us explain: at the delightful suggestion of Assassin Empress Carolyn L. Bockius, forty NA-ers paid $5 each to participate in a spacious sanguinary circuit. Each member was to kill, and be killed by, one other sectionmate. Kills are made by squirting the victim with a watergun. Kills cannot be made in the presence of another live player, or in Aldrich. As in atheist life, there is no second chance-the killer kills, and gets her victim’s victim. The money pot is awarded to the longest-lived and to the most prolific serial killer.a

Currently, I am that most prolific serial killer.
Tonight, my assassin telephoned me at home. He cackled a death threat over the line to me. “You’re going down, Chung!” He hung up. I checked my window to see whether he had followed me home. Each morning I wake up beside my pistol, and take a different p
ath to school. I dash from Spangler to Aldrich, minimizing open exposure. I pack my weapon at all times. We started with forty ass(assin)s. There are nine of us left. In my career as a serial killer, I have engaged in hand-to-hand combat with Navy SEAL Philip A. Black, who pushed me into a tree in his futile escape attempt; I have struck alliances and watched comrade-in-arms Jenn K. Filpo go down in a gangster-style shooting at Phoenix Landing; I have been the victim of a conspiracy to end my days on this earth.

I live each day as though it will be my last. I only hope that my obituary is as glowing as those of the fallen. Capulets and the Montagues united, if for one

April 23, 2001
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