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Outside In:

Hans und Franz, late night television’s most famous body building duo, recently visited the HBS campus as special consultants for Shad’s physical fitness program. They were kind enough to provide the Harbus with an exclusive interview to discuss their findings.

Harbus: Mr…er…Hans und Franz, thank you for joining us. How did you enjoy your visit to our campus?

Hans: Alright, enough of the small talk. Let’s get started. Just because these business school students can flex their mental muscles does not mean they are not girly men.

Franz: Ja. Hear me now, and think about it later, but don’t ever try to think about it, because if you try to think, you might cause a Flab-alanch!

Harbus: So, to clarify what you have said, you don’t think that HBS students are in top physical condition?

Franz: Absolutely not. It seems they are spending more time picking out their girly gym outfits and HBS memorabilia than pumping iron.

Hans: Ja, you know, we could very easily grab you by the g-string and wind it up so much, that when it snaps, your buttocks muscles will go flying around the room like a balloon!

Harbus: Do HBS students exhibit any physical prowess whatsoever?

Hans: The one exception is that ve vere actually amazed by the very pumped-up arms on these students.

Franz: Ja. To build upon what Hans said, this reminds us of our #2 hero, Popeye. Arnold Schwarzenegger is, of course, our biggest hero.

Hans: Ja! Ja! Arnold!

Franz: Students appear to not be gaining this fabulous muscle in the gym, but instead from either raising their arms repeatedly in class or carrying oversized Kate Spade bags around campus.

Hans: Ja! The smaller the girl, the bigger the bag. Very strange to me, you know.

Harbus: What advice do you have to help HBS students work out more effectively?

Franz: Yes, ve just vant…
Together: To pump [clap] you up!

Hans: Alright, now let’s get started. Once you make it to the athletic facility, do not talk on your cell phones. Those annoying girly men yapping in front of the weight equipment deserve brain cancer.

Franz: Ja. And there are some people who should just get off the machines and give up. Get out of our face, and drown your flabby sorrows in J„germeister at the Spangler Grille. If your face looks like the backside of a cow, working out like an East German she-man isn’t going to help any.

Hans: Ja. Maybe we should take a skewer and run it up your buttocks like a ski pole and fry you like a shish kabob and feed you to the whole Olympic committee, and believe me, there would be plenty left over for Frank and Kathy Lee Gifford.

Harbus: Why do you think HBS students are not otherwise physically fit?

Hans: They have sat behind their girly desks on their bottoms in their banking and consulting offices, super-sizing their McDonald’s McSchwein value meals, and losing muscle mass for years while rounding out their HBS applications.

Franz: Ja. And then they have joined their intramural sports teams. [Laughs] That results not in achieving Austrian body builder status, but in injury.

Ja. If you want to look like Arnold, don’t hobble around campus on crutches like a girly man all the time.

Harbus: What advice do you have to help these students prevent injuries?

Hans: First of all, before you pump, you must varm up or else you’ll hurt your wimpy little girly muscles. Now, listen here: we can’t make you warm up, that’s entirely up to you!

Franz: Ja, that’s right. And, hear me now, and believe me later, it’s not our job to check up on you! So, you know, if you’re not gonna do it, don’t be jerking us around. All ve vant to do is…
Together: pump [clap] you up!

Harbus: What do you think about the nutritious selections available from HBS dining services?

Franz: What are those old girly men from Exec Ed doing in the in the Shad caf‚? We don’t want to wait behind you to buy our Balance Bars while you try to pay for your twinkies and other girly snacks with American Express. Don’t they know about Crimson Cash?

Hans: Ja! You Schweine need to stop looking at all the young ladies and drooling on the equipment.

Harbus: Anyway, do you plan on having any involvement with HBS going forward?

Franz: Ve vanted to teach a class, but they would not allow us to give the entire class of girly men and girly women 3s.

Hans: Ja. So ve vill politely decline and retreat back to our Austrian Schloá.

Harbus: Thank you very much for joining us. Your frank insights will certainly be missed on campus.

Pending expulsion, Outside In’s interviewers hope to be back next week with a new celebrity interview.

October 9, 2001
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