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Auntie Sam

Dear Auntie Sam,
When everyone in my class was going crazy sending out letters and resumes in December, I decided to pursue an Independent Job Search. I thought that sounded pretty cool at the time and so clearly, did the people I said that to. Now that it’s February and all the December cover letter junkies have about five offers each, a great many of them are taking the liberty of asking me what’s happened of my job search in the meanwhile.
How can I say this? My god-given vocation is to be Barefoot and Pregnant, as long as that doesn’t put a crimp on my love life. I know True Happiness only when I am shopping the new collections on Madison Avenue (or Newbury Street). I don’t want to work a hundred hours a day-men were created to do grunt work and women to direct and manage them. I can understand that men are reluctant to accept my thesis. But of late, I’ve even had women telling me they don’t buy my viewpoint. They think we live in an equal opportunity world and disbelieve my theory of the Fundamental Supremacy of the Female Race. Feminism, that must be thy most painful blow.
Yet, honest though I can be in print, I find myself unable to admit to my proclivities orally. And when I hear no support of my true ideals, I start to doubt myself and wonder, Is It Just Me? Or I am just deceived in moments by all the Aspiring Poster-Child Feminists around me?
Love,
No Desire To Pursue a Career

Dear No Desire to Pursue a Career,
I am shocked beyond belief. What can I say? That you were an admissions office mistake? That I would understand your position if you aspired to bare feet and pregnancy while in a Home Economics PhD program? Business school seems the most counter-intuitive graduate program you could possibly have chosen to attend, even if you just can’t admit you came here on a Husband Hunt.
But let’s assume for the moment that HBS doesn’t ascertain your identity (my lips are sealed) and throw you out of here for your high intellectual pursuits, or lack thereof. I’m willing to give you the Benefit of the Doubt.
Pregnancy and Shopping seem to be your uppermost preferences so let’s try and work with those. On the first, figure out how to impregnate yourself, keeping in mind that sperm theft is indeed against the HBS Community Standards. Then, if you can self-fund “shopping the collections,” you’re pretty much home free. If not, find someone capable of sustaining you on something more than sex and fresh air or Madison Avenue may not be within particularly easy reach for long.
Yours,
Auntie Sam
Send in your psychic problems to Auntie Sam at harbus@hbs.edu

February 12, 2001
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