Dear Auntie Sam,
I’m concerned about recent urges I’ve been having. I dismissed them at first, but they keep coming back stronger and I am beginning to get worried. On the surface all seems fine-I’m fairly happy, doing OK in class, and have a nice group of friends. But something’s missing. I’ve never admitted this to anyone, but basically, I think I want to be a January. I know, it sounds crazy, but I can’t help it. I find myself gazing longingly over from our Spangler lunch table, where my sectionmates and I are comparing scribes, or some such nonsense, and I see Them. They are one. They have smooth skin, and wrinkly noses, and not a care in the world. They laugh together, play together-and don’t even look at us-we are so, umm, pedestrian. They stand on tables and sing songs-badly. At Karaoke night they monopolized the stage-we September’s stood around uneasily. They seem smarter than us, and they definitely have more fun. Their bodies are honed of titanium, and their hair flows like the Amazon. I want to be one, or perhaps just borrow one for a day. May I?
Dear Wannabee Januaree,
You did the right thing to come to me. I have heard similar stories from Bored and Confused Septembers for some weeks. It’s not surprising really-I hear the Januaries are out getting drunk in the middle of their mid terms-is there not something in the Community Standards about that? HBS authorities have known about January Envy for some time, and have take the wise move of killing off the Cohort, so this problem should soon die out. There are some concrete things you can do however, to ease the pain. Firstly, try to not to put the Januaries on a pedestal. OK, so they do have an average GMAT score over 770, and many of them work as swimwear models to pay their tuition, but underneath they are humans, really. Secondly, you should start to go to the Shad more often, and see if you can befriend one for yourself. It is quite hard to make contact initially, but if you wear sunglasses and listen to loud rap music, they might mistake you for one of their own. Finally, see the fun in September Life. We have Spring Break-they have May Day. While we have four months of a Summer consulting internship, they have just 2 weeks of the fun. Don’t worry, next year, you can always pretend that you were one.